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No wonder babies cry so much!

2012-01-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

I have so much to say! Really! But I lack the energy to get it all out here. Maybe another day, another post, I can really dig into the things that have been on my mind lately, but I come home from my retail job exhausted, sometimes brain dead. Or even better, I need to get started on my part time work right away. Even with all my wordy abilities, when I am exhausted I lose all articulation and patience with myself and just want to cry! Not necessarily because I am SOOO sad, but because I can't get anything else out! No wonder babies cry so much. They haven't learned spoken or written language yet and can't get anything else out than crying.

So I'm poking out my little exhausted, inarticulate head to just say that I want to say things. That I'm here and I think about my blog every day. I think about things to write about every day on my way to work, and by the time I get home, I just can't do it. So I watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Andy, or we play a game, or I read news and other people's blogs on my computer. Yes my life is so exciting, I am too overwhelmed to write about it! Hehe.

Well, it is indeed exciting, because 2012 marks more or less the beginning of my third year with a wonderful man, and promises a lot of new growth and progress on the emotional front. With mental health and finances on the mend, I look forward to what I will learn about myself, my passions, and what I am truly capable of!

Hitting rock bottom

2011-07-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this whole blogging thing for a good long while and I may be rusty. The nature of this post may also be a bit jarring and out of the blue since I haven't been updating on all the good things happening around me. Just be warned, it's not the happiest of topics, but I at least am feeling more upbeat now than yesterday when I was going through it all.

I hit rock bottom yesterday. And for no particularly good reason. It is always hard for me to admit this and share, but here I am doing so. Not for attention, not for sympathy, but to just let it be known that depression is a real illness that sometimes locks you so deep somewhere there is just no reasonable solution. Although sometimes I wish it really was as easy as the Bob Newhart "Stop it!" skit on MadTV. You must look it up! I fail at posting links apparently. :)

It's so embarrassing to be sad and not have anything to respond to the question "what is it?" I feel like if I knew what it was, I probably wouldn't be in this much despair. It's also embarrassing to call in sick to work and then be asked about what bug you had the next day. Other people take a mental health day and go shoe shopping. I stay home and cry. And then I cry over the fact that I'm crying for no reason and then it escalates. I feel like a child at these moments. Part of me embraces the child, yet another part wonders what I am acting like one for. And in the end, I have no new shoes to show for my mental health day!

I'm feeling really vulnerable by posting this, so please don't come at me with all the things I should be doing or should have done for myself. I'm still processing it all and took today to simply mellow out and be mildly productive-I swept the upstairs, made some tea and looked out at the bay, left for work early and sat down by the lake for half an hour, I listened to my good friend talk about her own troubles, and answered each phone call at the store with at least one deep breath, two if I could fit them in. Not once did I get overly irritated with customers. And I had soup for lunch to round the whole day out.

And so I'm going to finish off with all the good things you've been missing out on this past year (and apparently I forgot about yesterday): My brother got married in September! My other brother, sister and I were all in the wedding and it set so many good familial feelings in motion that my sister and I planned a big Thanksgiving dinner and invited nearly twenty-something of our family members and honorary family members (thank goodness only 18 of them could come!) which we have not done in, literally, ages. Andy came and met my family for that and they really like him! Not surprising, he's very likeable. :) We also went out to Balboa Island to search for the Arrested Development Banana Stand and other geeky A.D. filming spots. We are pretty certain we played air hockey in the arcade where Gob gets distracted by a claw machine.

Andy and I had our milestone one year anniversary in December, although come to think of it, we didn't really do anything special other than hang out with his friends who were in town, but come Valentine's Day he did give me a Claddagh ring with an emerald set in it (because my favorite color is green, he says, and he is right!). I had just come down with a nasty flu that afternoon, and so as he was getting me set up in bed with a bit of ginger ale and I was loopy from the Nyquil, he pulls out the gift he'd been trying to give me all day. I was so tired, sick and miserable that I broke out in tears of joy. "Really, it's not much and it might make your finger fall off.." he said. I remarked (or maybe slurred) "Well, we'll just have to find out because I'm not taking it off!" My finger is still quite intact!

This past June we moved into a new house with a spectacular view and lots of space-a great deck to hang out on, Andy just planted a small trial garden, and I have my own office with an extra desk so I can work on my collages. Right in the middle of the move, Andy and I finally headed out to Kansas City, MO to meet HIS family (sans sister), and I think they like me? I hope! I get a lot of good vibes (aka texts and gifts and all sorts of fun things :)) from his mom and sister, so I think that's a good sign. We had a really nice time out there seeing fountains and soccer and columns and consuming bbq and fried things and beer. And at last Andy's sister came to visit us during our housewarming party and my birthday which was really a treat since I still hadn't met her until then! It's too bad she can't stay with us all summer.

And then just a few days ago I was able to catch up with an old friend over sushi, bottomless sake, and some karaoke, and I had a really nice time with her. So, lots of nice, great things have happened too. Lots of big important things! So why all the sad? Maybe it's all this transitioning and new things that got to me somewhere in that bizarre brain of mine, but I have good reason to acknowledge how fortunate I am, how loved, how cared for, and whenever I am capable I'd like to help make that true for others.

I went to the woods to work deliberately

2010-07-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, something very exciting happened to me. I was offered a part-time temporary position at a very popular independent new and used bookstore in Oakland, Walden Pond (we just won best bookstore 2010 in the East Bay Express!). This part-time temporary work was to be my foot in the door, to possibly acquire more hours and shifts in the future if I seemed to prove myself worthy. What was supposed to start out as a temporary gig two times a week, became in no time a nearly full-time job. I guess I proved myself? I'm pretty certain my entire body is not even in the door but far past it. And I'm really enjoying being a bookish nerd again, taking charge over the used fiction section, and having such a variety of projects going on at all times. Motivation to read has increased enormously, my list is growing yet again, and I find myself reading til I zonk out, something I haven't really done in awhile.

In the style of Nick Hornby's Polysyllabic Spree, the books I have recently finished, am in the middle of, and recently picked up are as follows.

Recently finished:
Herself in Love by Marianne Wiggins: Short stories focusing on mundane existence reminiscent of Raymond Carver, but far less sparse syntax. Each was better than the one before it, particularly "Insomnia" and the title story "Herself in Love".

The Effects of Living Backwards by Heidi Julavits: A satirical look at a post 9-11 reality in which plane hijacking preparedness is protocol was sadly disappointing. It feels like it could be Nabokov kind of cool, but really goes nowhere with its point other than to point out that people don't change.

Working on:
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers: Figured it is about time I read this classic! So far it is an intriguing character driven story that explores human behavior.

What is an Emotion? Classic Readings in Philosophical Psychology edited by Cheshire Calhoun & Robert C. Solomon: Bought this in Portland LAST AUGUST and finally cracked it open a number of months ago. The Introduction is hefty and I'm nearly finished just with it.

The Kiterunner by Khaled Hosseini: Chose this for a book club because the last tutoring session at the high school was on this book, it has been on the NY times bestseller list for at least 4 years, and we had a lot of copies at Walden Pond. Only a few chapters in and we're meeting on Saturday to decide when to finish it. It's told from the perspective of a man living in San Francisco who grew up in Afghanistan about what he experienced in the way of class and racism. At least, that's what I gather so far in a few chapters.

Coming up:
The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
Magister Ludi (or The Glass Bead Game) by Hermann Hesse
To See You Again by Alice Adams
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

2010-05-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

The irony zoomed past me as I got tunes from "The Little Mermaid" stuck in my head the night before Andy and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Contemplating our afternoon later on Friday out on the sunny, breezy oceanside deck of the aquarium, I ashamedly realized the significance. I had just seen some sebastians, flounders, scuttles, and flotsam and jetsam, too. Coming to the end of my list, I demanded to see some mermaids. And maybe a sea witch or something. Yeah, that would complete the afternoon. But seriously, all in all, we saw a lot of creatures. A lot. From tiny to enormous, smooth to roughly crusted, furry to spiky, leafy, squishy, gooey and, of course, fishy, I felt oddly like these creatures were putting things into perspective for me. It's not just the diversity that is beautiful. As Andy I sat watching the kelp forest tank, he remarked on how some of the fish were content to remain still and float and drift with the movement of the water back and forth in unison with the seaweed. The sea dragons and sea horses had the same lethargic looking inertia to them, horses hooked onto thin grasses just bob bob bobbing in currents while the leaf looking dragons just afloat and drifting, sometimes even bumping into each other, their appendages blending and getting lost together. The jelly fish also seem to drift, pulsing through a serene starless space with only existence on the "nerve net," the closest jelly fish equivalent to a brain (jelly fish also don't have a central nervous system). A crotchety looking bittern seen in the flamingo exhibit didn't move from his sagely perch in the 3 or so hours between our first and second viewings, and the giant octopi remained wedged between rock and glass as long as possible. On the other hand, there were also frenetic seeming small fishes darting back and forth, like the schools of sardines that, flashing and glinting as a large united body of individuals, followed an unseen path through the open waters between hammerhead sharks, dolphinfish, tuna, and also barracuda that were all too interested, every once in awhile scaring the body and inciting an explosion of sparkling fishes in multiple directions before they reconvened into their tight-knit defenses. And the Magellanic penguins "flying" beneath the surface rarely paused long enough for a decent picture. They were awfully cute though. In another category entirely, the sea otters reminded us of their mammalian nature, seeming to play in their grooming practices, floating on backs and pulling their hind flippers up to their tummy almost in a fetal position. Though it looked like a cozy and safe way to curl up, they were actually keeping their poorly insulated feetsies from getting too cold in the water.

I think it is clear I got a lot out of our day at the aquarium. It reminded me of the stresses I tend to put myself through without really needing to, the things I complicate my life with that are more just games my mind plays with itself than efforts toward growth and productivity. And isn't that what is driving these creatures in some way? Or at least, that is what we ourselves are interested in learning about them. We learn the basics: development from birth to adulthood, what they eat, how they defend themselves (or hunt), and how they reproduce. Surely these are the basics to all life, and not just what we as humans think are important. In a metaphorical sense, growth and productivity are also immensely important to being viewed as successful. And so I ask myself, am I successful?

Sure played a mean pinball

2010-05-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

For Andy's birthday, I drove him, his roommate and a couple friends from his cohort--and myself of course--out to a pinball museum last night in Alameda and as the majority of the games there are playable (90 to be exact), we had a blast playing all the machines for two and a half hours. I suspect Andy would have stayed much much longer if it hadn't been closing time. I never imagined how addictive pinball could be! It's especially so when you start on the 2-3 player friendly machines and get into a competitive groove. And it's especially so when the Indiana Jones themed game has a gun for the ball launcher which you pull the trigger on to "shoot" the ball!! Anyway, tell your friends and tell your family if you decide to go. Then they will know where to find you when you go missing.

I mentioned recently that I was most likely taking the GRE again (graduate record examination) and was thinking of changing my focus somewhat from school counseling to psychology research. I feel pretty good about it now. If I take it slow, I feel I will be able to transition through all the stages of the process more readily, whereas in the past, even with simple projects, I sometimes rushed myself out of excitement and enthusiasm and then lost steam or got discouraged when things were changing too quickly or not quickly enough.

Anyhow, I believe the coming of spring has been an enormously uplifting event for me. New births, new life, new outlook. Peace for now.

Spring fun in the sun

2010-04-14T23:29:00.000-07:00

My friend in New York can attest to the importance of sun. He feels it during the winter when it snows for days and 20 minutes of sun brings the whole neighborhood outdoors to walk the dog, grocery shop or just shoot the shit at the corner bodega. Perhaps that is why my winter New York trip was not as enjoyable as the hot humid and sunny July trip. He says he feels like his body gulps up every bit of sun it can, when it is out of course, to make up for long days of clouds and snow.

He must think we're spoiled out here in the Bay Area right now, what with our days and days of sun, spoiled only by a few days and nights of pouring rain. As soon as the good weather started showing its face, I started going down to Cesar Chavez Park by the Berkeley Marina for a good walk in the sun and a gorgeous view of the bay nearly every day. Many of you know already that I've been driving around an advertising car and the parking lot there seems perfect for some face time. It turns out the park is perfect for me to get some face time, too, but with sunshine!

Being in the sun, but I think more specifically being out in the park, walking the mellow hills and gazing out across the bay, has really lifted my spirits. I'm somewhat slow at times with thinking through options and deciding which direction to head next in life, and the walks have helped me take the time to focus on these moments. A few of my next steps include finding a job since unemployment is probably up in July (I have a few leads and am crossing fingers), taking the GRE again to attempt more impressive scores (I think completely doable as I didn't study much last time and still received average), and trying to utilize my extra time as best I can. I think the new school plan may be to apply next year to school psychology programs next year. My passion for helping direct students may be better used in research or as a school psychologist.

I'm looking forward for more great weather, but a rainy day inside here and there isn't so bad either. It's a good excuse to get a lot of reading done.

Driving in spirals

2010-03-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

I've been told I run hot and cold, though, I doubt I need to be told this. I feel it. I feel the two extremes as I transition between them, though there is not even much of a transition. Just giant steps from one to the other. I have known for awhile that I periodically experience intense sadness and can't help but get caught in the downward spiral. Others can probably tell you that they end up feeling the affects of these experiences, too. I call them depressive episodes, though they are not clinically diagnosed. I have experienced enough of these at this point that I have learned to not be fatalistic about my heavy state. The cloud will lift again and I will experience an incredible new-found sense of purpose and industry. My awareness of my emotional states lead me to question whether I am not addicted to specific strong emotions that I strategize my behavior to produce them.

Introspection aside, there are possibly a lot of interesting stories to share, but I may save them for later. Mostly weighing on my mind is grad school. The one school I really want to go to did not accept me and after thinking about it some more, I realized I don't want to go to either of the other two. This realization led me to think about why I only wanted to go to Western, which turns out to probably be the location. I think I have lost steam on what I want to study, though partly because I have picked up a part time job and have been committing more of my time to that. A year ago, I was so certain, but now I have grown tired and weary of my progress. I still will study Psychology in some form, but for now I may have to focus on acquiring some income to pay off loans and bills. Next year I plan to try again, perhaps to study School or Educational Psych. Purpose and industry continue to dart around the corners out of sight.

Also, an announcement: If anyone in the Bay Area needs to run some errands with a vehicle or be driven somewhere during the week, I can help out. 714-595-1024

I am les sad

2010-03-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

There isn't much more to say. I suppose I can think of reasons, but they just all mingle together and I can't keep them straight. Plus, I'd like to be sad without a reason. I want to be allowed an emotion without a specific reason. Just sad is all.

Whirlwind month

2010-02-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

As if January didn't have enough excitement, February comes bounding in with a bang. The month went by so fast, and yet, I can't believe it's only been a month! I feel like all the things I have accomplished and started doing couldn't possibly all fit into one month. That middle school writing assessment scoring session when I first asked the teachers where they needed volunteer support and that because of I'm now a teacher's assistant in a middle school ELD class? Yeah, that was still in January, along with asking the Berkeley School Volunteers coordinator about volunteering in the counseling center at Berkeley High, emailing the counselor, not getting a response, walking in to see her, and immediately establishing the times I am to come in every week. And did I really look at 9 rooms for rent in the span of one week? Yes, I did, and in the rain, too. And only one week later found a place that has accepted me. It is also hard to imagine that in one month I completed the entire process of applying to three graduate programs in school counseling, two of which I didn't decide on until a day before handing off the letter of recommendation forms (I might add that I also managed to lose one and find two more people of reference this month, too).

I'm also sitting in on a couple of the best classes I have ever taken at Cal. I was never this excited about any of my English classes, which makes me a little sad that I wasn't a Psych major after all, but I can't ignore all the really cool people I met through being an English major, too. I'm happy for how my life has gone, but I wish I had a better idea that the human mind is my passion, and not literature (no dis on lit though! I still love a good read). The Clinical Psych class I am auditing is taught by Allison Harvey whose sleep lab I work in. She is an amazing lecturer and it was really great to finally meet her this afternoon after all this time working in the lab. The other class, Psych of Personality, is taught by another person from the lab, the postdoc, who I've met a few times before and embarrassingly forgot he was a postdoc and asked if he was a GSI (graduate student instructor) for the class, to which he responded with a chuckle that no, he was teaching it!

Oh and somewhere I have found room to socialize. My friend Andy and his roommate Rachel are getting a CSA box every week of local farm fresh fruit and veggies, and I have been included in brainstorming and cooking dinners every Thursday night (and sometimes Friday, and sometimes Sunday, and the occasional Tuesday...there are a lot of vegetables) as well as writing for the new blog Andy set up. We are skeptical as to whether it will be interesting or if anyone will read it, but if you are interested, it is beyondthekale.net. He also lives over by a climbing gym that is predominately for bouldering and also has $5 Fridays for students! I've really been enjoying myself and my very own shoes should be arriving in the mail soon. There have also been a number of parties, including a late christmas party, an afternoon tea, a picnic movie night, and my friend Suzanne's dance show (woo!).

Yes, I know I basically just rattled off my calendar, but it feels like a lot has happened since I got back from New York on the 5th. A lot of things are changing in my life, and you know what? I don't feel anxious about any of them. In fact, I'm very excited to find out whether I will be moving away for grad school in August (and where to!) or if I'll be staying another year in Berkeley, tutoring and volunteering and learning so much still. I'm excited to be moving in with a few very nice people (fellow Cancers too!) and their very sweet doggies and a kitchen (no more hot plate!!). I am excited for more dinners, climbing, watching friends in various artistic endeavors and moving forward ever forward. Hurray for 2010! My friend Jesse said he felt like this would be a good year, and right now I'd have to agree.

What's that noise?

2010-01-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

The other day when it was raining, I was listening to the rain drip various places on the outside of my house when I heard a huge commotion underneath one of the west facing windows. There is a pipe or vent of some sort there and I thought perhaps a huge amount of water dumped out from somewhere above onto it, so I left it at that. Today, while it was raining, I heard the same type of commotion and decided to check it out. A squirrel was in the rosebush! And then he plucked off a rose hip and started noshing on it. What a cutie.

He decided to finish his meal at the dinner table. Hey look over here!

January gloom with a cut-out paper sun

2010-01-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

Hello Berkeley of twenty-ten! It's nice to meet you. I just got in from New York yesterday evening and boy was I teary-eyed to see the lights (and darkness) of the bay during descent. This really is my town. I feel a connection to it that I don't anywhere else. That could be because all my stuff is here and I have a place to be where I am cozy and can ignore things when I want to ignore them or go out and enjoy when I want to enjoy. I do miss having a cat on my lap though.

Though I've spent the last couple of weeks in melancholia, I'm grateful for a time to mellow out. I've been overanalyzing the simplest things and now that I'm writing my personal statement, all the cynicism is coming through. I'm worried my paper sounds like a train wreck where everyone died. That's sure to get me into grad school. I feel inconsistent and rambling, as though I am trying to muster up clear answers, but I don't have them, making the answers I give not really what I mean and not exactly coherent either.

Maybe I really am cynical by nature. Last year I was feeling so positive and jubilant and had so much to talk about. Now I am once again stuck in abstract-land (which by the way doesn't have nearly cool enough roller coasters) just running in circles inside my head.

I want to do more activities this year. Please, if anyone wants to go jogging, hiking, exploring, lunching, and the like, let me know. Sometimes I'm horrible at conversation, but it's still nice to have someone to do these things with.

End of days (of 2009)

2009-12-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

Things I have learned this past year:

*Relationships are hard work. Really hard work. And I'm not always cut out for maintaining them. Though I am reveling in the fact that I am more comfortable than I have been in a long while sharing with my parents and rebuilding my relationship with them. Having different beliefs than one's parents is always difficult and letting them know that is even tougher. It's hard for me to not feel like I am disappointing people and this has been one of my greatest challenges in developing an honest and trustful connection with the people who raised me in a certain way and hoped for certain things. I am at a point where I truly feel the proudness they have for their children and have a clearer picture of them as people and not just MY parents. I think that the most honest way to connect with people is to see them as individuals and not just all the roles they have taken on throughout life and managing to experience this with my parents has been an incredibly fulfilling experience that has convinced me of the unending support I have through my family. My siblings and I have grown closer and closer throughout the years and this one in particular saw a lot of intense raw reality in expressing our joys and sorrows with each other. I am so grateful for these relationships, for sharing a history with such unique individuals. Yes, there are still many issues on this front, but I feel a sense of stability from my family for once.

Non-relative relationships have been more of a roller coaster, meeting some wonderfully beautiful people and also continuing longer term friendships (beautiful minds and essences-I think you may know who you are and thank you so much for your friendship) that have greatly expanded my perspective, but also seeing some friendships deteriorate and not knowing if I had the energy to reconstruct them or whether or not I should expend the energy to make things right. When are things ever right anyway? That's the difficult part. Becoming close to another person requires investing so much of multiple resources both concrete and intangible it is hard to determine when continuing on and sorting things out in tough times is realistic or better to leave alone. This is my biggest challenge on the friend front. I am no model friend, believe me. I admit I have hurt people I care deeply about, though it has not been intentional. I'm thinking that the same difficulty in seeing my parents as separate from all their various roles I associate them with comes into play on this level of relationships as well. Does anyone else have a difficult time in tactfully maintaining one's own mental sanity and simultaneously avoiding detriment to another's? I'm sure this is linked to my fear of disappointing people and could work on my honesty and assertiveness first to myself (imagine that! I can disappoint even myself) and then to others.

*Having a sense of direction is my saving grace this year. I feel confident in my choice and confident in the possibility of changing course eventually again after I have worked in a school for a good long while. After working as a school counselor I may continue further in school/educational psychology or move on to clinical psychology as a general therapist. I get caught up in my emotions so often, it is relieving to have a more concrete idea of what I am doing with my life.

*Part of my confidence in Psychology is based in how I can personally relate to it. The newest phase studied in lifespan human development is Emerging Adulthood, said to last between ages 18 and 25. And isn't it ironic that in this past year in which I turned 26 I felt things start to fall into place and feel more like an adult? Maybe it isn't very adult for me to boast about how I feel like one, but upon reflection I don't see such different scenarios as I do different ways I have responded to them. I metacognitize a heck of a lot and I've seen a shift between rumination and action, obsessing and progressing. I went through my fair share of depression during the earlier part of the second half of this year (did you get that?), but from previous experience I was actually able to handle it much less fatalistically than I usually have. I let myself just zone out and experience it, knowing that I would sense a change eventually, and I did. Not that it wasn't hard, because it was, I just know there are harder things out there. My life is not one of those.

My apologies for such a candid post. These thoughts are spur of the moment reflections, how I feel now about what has happened, and while I've experienced misery, frustration, and despair this year, I let myself feel them very much in full and am now experiencing joy, hopefulness, and excitement. Each year brings such a variety of the unexpected and the anticipated, each day so different, routine habit mixed with nothing you could ever predict-I have no idea just exactly how my plans for next year will turn out, so I'm hoping at least that I'm ready for anything. Thanks to you all. I love you.

Emptiness of Self

2009-11-18T14:14:00.000-08:00

And life proves to be good, yet again, revealing all my woes to be attributable to my own silly neuroses and overanalysis of nearly everything. I have been reading "thoughts without a thinker" by Mark Epstein, a psychotherapist and Buddhist who incorporates Buddhist philosophy with the western notion of psychotherapy. I will try and be brief in summarizing the gist of the book. So far, he has argued that Freud's ideas of the self which exists deep beneath layers of childhood and relationships with parents are oddly similar to Buddhism's Wheel of Life used to teach about the concept of karma, "the notion that a person's actions in this life will affect the kind of rebirth he or she will take in the next." I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation and neither does Epstein. However, he uses the teachings of each realm in the Wheel of Life to explain a different aspect of psychotherapy, viewing the Wheel as more a categorization of psychological realms, "points of self-estrangement" he calls them, where we experience ourselves through our reactions to different things we find lacking in our sense of identity. The part that is echoing to me throughout today and this past week is the Buddha's idea of self as empty. If the self is empty, then we do not experience the tensions based on what we lack or what we cling to as images representing the self. I have learned that the act of defining oneself and attaching labels decreases the capacity for change and adaptation by requiring that if one makes a statement or opinion or even encounters something which clashes with these labels, the mind is confused and must accommodate for the change. If these labels do not exist, the self does not need to accommodate or overanalyze the process. It is found that a person who understands the "emptiness of self" is very similar to what Westerners expect in a person with a highly developed sense of self. The search for self is not regressive nor is it a manifestation of a true (buried) self, says Epstein, but rather a "crumbling of the false self" through "awareness of its manifestations" without sensing a need to create new ones, a very relieving experience indeed. I found myself saying in the shower something along the lines of, "I am not ashamed of who I am, I am not ashamed of my opinions, interests and desires which are free to change. I am not ashamed of me." This type of statement may be a no brainer to some people, but for me it has not always been.

And that is why I find life good, because everytime I step out of my brain, I see how good it can be and how the psychological realms of the Wheel of Life can reduce us to neurotic, narcissistic, jealous, greedy and grasping personalities, heavily burdened with varying images of the self.

Disgust of Us

2009-11-07T11:42:00.001-08:00

I don't usually latch myself onto and become a hard core fan of friends' bands just because I'm friends with them. Groupies scare me. In fact, when I meet someone and they invite me out to one of their shows, I'm incredibly wary because I hope hope hope they don't suck or sound completely boring and typical, leaving me in a quandary as to how to respond. When I first saw my friend Cheryl's band, Disgust of Us, it was in a tiny cramped space with bad sound, and yet I heard something unique. I wasn't crazy over it, to be honest, but I could definitely hear something new and creative and the sense of cynicism was raw. If you didn't leave the show with much, you at least could strongly feel the "disgust." I've known Cheryl and her boyfriend PJ (co-lead guitar and vocals) for a good long while, and our friendship formed parallel to the band's progress. All the while I saw them get better and more confident with their creativity. Even with a bass player switch, they caught up quickly to where they'd been, Laura's skills increasing greatly with every show and Sam getting more precise and crazy (if those two things can happen together!!) all the time. So, to be honest, I formed a friendship with Disgust of Us, too, and have been impressed by their ability to fine tune their cynicism and even bring in some soft, all the while completely immersing themselves in their art every time they play.

They are also a band that has their shit together. Last night, at their record release party, I noticed for the first time this enormous sense of professionalism and entertainment. Cheryl has been able to really think business when it comes to spreading the word, while still keeping it casual and unobtrusive. And they are always expressing gratitude left and right, near and far, for everyone who helps out, shows up, and goes away from a show telling their friends about it.

Art communicates. Perhaps a reason I feel so much closer to C & P (and many others whom I've met through them) is that their music communicates honestly what they think and feel. It is not just a performance; it is also like sitting down with them for a beer (or standing in most cases! :-P) and listening to them discuss what heavies their hearts the most, and that too me, is grounds for bonding with a band as though it in itself is a friend. Please check them out. They have quite the story to tell in their music.

www.disgustofus.com

www.myspace.com/disgustofus

Please share

2009-11-01T22:38:00.001-08:00

I keep sitting down at this screen trying to think up something interesting to write about. Truth is, not much interesting going on these days, just trying to stay afloat financially and mentally. I twitch a little when I think of writing down all my frustrations in a blog post, as though it's something unique to talk about, as though millions of people aren't feeling this frustration. But I know I'm not so unique, and I know that I am not alone in how I feel.

I feel unmotivated without a job and as if all my other volunteer activities at times are "optional." I feel I go through much of my life viewing "appointments" and even dates with friends as optional. Part of that may have to do with my social anxiety that every so often comes out to bare its teeth threateningly at me, telling me I'm not likeable, not productive enough, not using my time wisely enough to go share myself with others. Part of it may have to do with being broke the majority of the time, so that when a friend says "let's go grab a pint!" or "let's do dinner!" I regretfully must decline.

It's true that I feel happiest while traveling, while seeing new places and trying new things, but life, I guess, isn't about being happiest, it's about balance. It's about hard work, suffering, awkwardness, discomfort, embarrassment, rejection, but also about elation, excitement, awe, joy, love, comfort, and achievement. In the past I may have had ideas about why life has to necessarily be hard, why it can't just all be a meadow of hippie love, but it's clearer to me now how important balance is. I feel it when I turn down an invite after I've spent a week feeling being unmotivated and unproductive and not leaving the house a great deal. I feel that I don't deserve to reward myself with something fun, because I haven't been doing anything particularly hard other than feeling sorry for myself (and YES that is a particularly hard thing to do, especially when you'd prefer not to and feel like you have no control over feeling that way no matter what).

This is why I have waited so long to post. I was in a very low place for a long time and did not feel I had the perspective to express myself clearly. Believe me, I have typed and deleted a number of words in the past few months, trying to think of what to share, but nothing seems appropriate. I have internalized for too long, losing light of the lives of people I love and how they experience joy and suffering, too.

These moments are always the clearest for me, the moments just after awakening out of my depressed sleep. It is in these moments I have the clearest memory of depression, and also the clearest glimpse of how I may alter it. More important than that, I have the purest motivation and am reassured of my decision to become a school guidance counselor. I recently started my volunteering at Berkeley High School as a Writing Coach and though I was nervous and intimidated before hand, the two sessions I have had so far with two students of very differing abilities have gone much more smoothly than I expected. My coaching can still use some work, and I continue to try different methods, but it was really something to feel as comfortable as I did. The only thing on my mind was putting across the information in a way the students could understand, being patient enough for them to process it, and really just listening. The syntactical part of coaching writing should be as important as just plain listening and nodding and smiling and saying "Thank you for sharing your ideas with me. Please continue to share more."

Obscene remarks

2009-09-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have been in an absolute piss-ass funk of a mood lately. Excuse my vulgarity, but it's true. While you would have found me during the first half of the year as an easygoing ho-hum girl who liked to take things as they are and not freak out over the details (just read my upbeat and positive early blogs), I'm now finding myself to be frustrated to high heaven and highly irritable by anything that doesn't fit into my structure of "how things are." This is not a new place for me to be. In fact, it was my mood of choice throughout most of high school and my early twenties. So how did I get sucked back into this habit of needing control and things to be done my way? What makes it even worse is that being in this state of mind in turn makes me extremely uncomfortable and I then become even more irritable. Poop.

To make things even more interesting, I'm taking the GRE tomorrow and was a stupid girl and put off studying until mostly the last minute and am frustrated by ridiculously worded math questions. And frustrated with myself for not staying motivated to complete something very important to accomplishing my goals. I told myself when I started this blog I wouldn't have pity party posts, but this mood calls for a freebie. Poop, poop. What would early 2009 Kimberly tell late 2009 Kimberly?

Getting back on the bike

2009-09-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

The BLOG bike, that is! Even though I did get back on Mrs. Tibbles (my Specialized Rockhopper) only two days after the big MS bike ride. In fact, surprisingly, Mike and I rode our bikes after arriving by bus (from Lake Sonoma where we finished the ride) back at the start location to BART in San Francisco and then from BART in East Bay to home, a feat I never thought my butt would let me do. Those sit bones were ACHING! I'm also grateful that our fellow teammates, Mike Trumpis and Suzanne Beahrs, who had a car for their own bikes and gear, took our big packs and dropped them at home, thus letting us perform the amazing sore-butt-bone-defying feat free of enormous packs of tent, sleeping bag and accessories.

This past weekend really has been the biggest highlight of the past couple of weeks, particularly because I was so nervous about completing it. I felt less in shape this year than last and I've also been getting over a nasty cold that has left a residual cough. It started raining on Day 2, also, which seemed to exacerbate some of my symptoms. But I proved my worrying to be pointless because not only did I finish just fine (not without a tremendous amount of determination and hardwork though), but also finished the entire 75 miles on Day 1. Last year, we stopped at around 52 or so, riding a SAG vehicle to the overnight. I also had stopped to walk my bike up a couple portions of hills on highway 1 through Muir Woods last year. I really had been disappointed with myself since then and so finishing naturally this year without any car transportation or bike walking really brought the tears of pride early on.

Well enough about the bike ride. I've probably been rambling enough about it on facebook for what seems like forever. But I will just add one more thing. I'm still raising money for another month, so if anyone would still like to donate to a great cause to raise awareness and improve research for multiple sclerosis, then please give me a shout out, or go to the "Bike MS Waves to Wine" box on the left side of my facebook profile. It's really the most amazing event I've participated in to date, honestly, and that's why I can't shut up about it.

In other news, I took a trip to the Pacific Northwest for nearly 3 weeks in August and had such an amazing time, I'm starting to consider moving there again. And before anyone freaks out, let me explain that I'll be moving away anyways if I get into a grad program, and Western Washington is a lot closer than New York. Being in Bellingham again, though, just made me realize how little of that town I actually experienced while there as an 18-19 year old and how I couldn't even tell my friends who drove me up from Seattle where the good beer is! I was quiet, shy, reserved and rather boring when I live there 8 years ago. I worked at Old Navy at the mall and believed that when one wanted books and coffee one goes to Barnes & Noble and Starbucks. I didn't really make any friends other than a few girls I met at the summer camp I'd worked at that first summer living there. I also technically didn't live in Bellingham, but in Deming, thirteen miles east. But there is so much to explore and discover still in this town! I'd really love to experience it again as I am now, a bit more outgoing, more adamant about independent businesses, and definitely a beer drinker.

Portland also requires more exploration and discovery. The only time I really spent in the thick of things was in downtown, around where Powell's is (which is breathtaking and nearly heartstopping, though that may have also been the incredibly rich Voodoo donut I had), and was so polished I nearly forgot I was in a big city. And yet, for a big city, it didn't seem to have many people in it at all. I also took in a Goonies tour out on the coast in Astoria, which, though fun, it was MORE fun to watch the movie again afterwards and cry out, "I was there!" AND there!"

Seattle, as well, is so huge I couldn't possibly see much in just two days. It would certainly be nice to be close to all that jazz. I stayed a night in Redmond with my sister's friend Trevor and wife Lisa and new baby and when Lisa mentioned Snoqualmie Falls (aka Twin Peaks Falls), I immediately knew that we had to go on a Twin Peaks tour. What we couldn't take in that evening, we had to go out again for the next day, and that included the "damn fine cup of coffee" and slice of cherry pie a la mode at Twede's (aka the double R diner) in North Bend. Heavenly!

My brother, Daniel, lives in Seattle, too, when not working for the National Parks. He's working at Mt. Rainier right now and I got to spend a week with him and his girlfriend, Kelsey, up on the mountain. It is beautiful there, if not a little damp. I went for a hike my second day there during which I don't think it stopped raining, drizzling, or misting once. I missed out on spectacular views of the mountain, but all the wetness made the flowers and bushes and trees glimmer like gems, just like these lupine leaves below.

At one point towards the last 3 miles of the hike, a descent on endless switchbacks took me back and forth down an entire hillside of meadow wildflowers. It was a sea of red, yellow, purple and green all dancing under the weight of raindrops. I had to keep stopping just to observe the hectic dance, each flower with its own moves, and listen to the faint static of soft rain. I have to admit, it made me cry just a little to be surrounded by such beauty. That's another reason why I love Washington so much. I actually miss the rain, the damp trees, the rushing rivers, the whispering mist. I remember the first day it snowed. I was upstairs in my room on the computer, and it had been pouring all day, when suddenly it was dead quiet and I knew exactly what had happened. I rushed downstairs and threw open the door and ran out to catch the snowflakes. It didn't stick that day, but I still had to call my mom to share the news. Later in the season, when the snow finally did stick, I remember silent white nights where even with no moon it was bright enough to throw a frisbee around.

Now that I'm home I've been attending classes, looking for a job, and getting ready to volunteer at the high school as a Writing Coach. I'm also still working at the Sleep Lab, though I've only been in one more time after my first shift. Things are a little slow, so here's my shameless plug. If anyone in the Bay Area has or knows of someone that has insomnia and is over 25 years of age, let me know, I'll get you the info to take part in the study! Oh yes, and I'm taking the GRE a week from Saturday. I have not studied much at all, shame on me. But I'm cramming. And with that said, I guess you won't be hearing from me again for AT LEAST a week and a half. ;-)

Unemployment? Ha!

2009-07-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

In fact, I have been very employed. After a trip out to the Salton Sea for July 4, then a week in New York (by the way, I really heart New York!!!), I experienced a severe case of internet deficiency syndrome. Fortunately, it was easy (though not so cheap) to remedy, and I am now proud to say "Hi, I'm Kimberly, and I'm a Mac." My sister just stopped in town on her way back to Anaheim and we enjoyed each other's company how we normally do-over lots of food. I am also once again hooked on my computer.

But I've been making good use of that time by arranging my newest travel plans. I will leaving again tomorrow morning for Portland, then Seattle, then Bellingham where I'll hang out with my aunt and uncle and visit my old haunts from when I lived with them after high school for 14 months. Around August 10th, my aunt, uncle, cousin and wife are heading down to Mt. Rainier to camp, but also to drop me off to see my brother, Daniel, who is stationed in Rainier right now as a park ranger, and his girlfriend, Kelsey. While staying with them, I'll take 3 or 4 days to trek out on my first solo backpacking trip. Then I'll head south, hopefully stopping in Portland again, before getting back to Berkeley by the 18th or 19th.

Classes start the 20th! And it will be on to volunteering at Berkeley High and studying hard for the GRE, training up for the Bike MS: Waves to Wine 2009 ride (having trouble getting donations, please let me know if you're interested), and, of course, continuing the job hunt. I don't know if I really want one anymore, though. I feel like I am contributing more to society with what I'm doing now, and as a result am a happier, healthier citizen as well, than I was before. If you feel otherwise, please let me know. Maybe I can contribute to your cause as well.

One door closed. Two open?

2009-06-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Where do I even start? I've gotten a bit behind on the updates. Well, I had an interview (my first since starting to look for a job) at the Seneca Center last week and received a letter this week informing me I would not be getting a second interview. Seneca Center is a therapy center that provides unconditional support for emotionally disturbed children and their families. These kids can be pretty aggressive and inconsistent because they haven't received consistent nurture and instead have learned not to trust anyone. I am not too disappointed that I won't be working there, but not because of the kids! I am happy that I pursued it and was prepared for taking on this kind of challenge, but I also may have been getting in over my head. I haven't worked in direct contact with children for 7 years, and even then they were well behaved and not emotionally disturbed. I have the heart, I just don't have the experience. In fact, I was feeling nervous, worried, doubtful and anxious about being offered a position, or rather, about being able to do the job, so maybe this is a path I'm not ready to go down yet. Someday, though, I really hope to help kids who either fit into this "emotionally disturbed" category or have learning disabilities because I believe behavior does not make the person and is not permanent. It is something we learn, and something we can unlearn and relearn.

And so, in response to the overwhelming nature of my last job pursuit, I have an interview on Monday at the very UC Berkeley Sleep Lab where I just started as a volunteer research assistant. Apparently, they are in dire need of a Project Coordinator, a position that entails a lot of what I do now and uses a lot of the skills I've developed at Apress. Plus, it's in the Psychology department and I'd be working closely with volunteers, research subjects and Psych department staff and faculty! I could also audit Psych classes on campus during my lunch hours. I will hopefully find out Monday how flexible my hours could be, as well, to find out if I would still be able to volunteer at Berkeley High School and take a day class or two at Berkeley City College. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but...fingers crossed!

I also submitted an application to Half Price Books in downtown Berkeley for some inane reason. No, I know the reason. I LOVE BOOKS! And I know how to work in a bookstore so I need hardly any training. I figure that if the Sleep Lab gig doesn't work and this does, the position is full time, provides full benefits, and I most likely would have a more flexible schedule to do all the previously said things about classes and volunteering.

This is my last weekend as an Apress employee. It is bittersweet, but I am ready for this era to be over. Just four more days suckers!

Life is good

2009-06-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

I don't have any specific reasons for why life is good, but I forget sometimes that I'm healthy, more or less content, and have the freedom to do a lot of what I want. If I end up suffering emotionally, it's probably due to my perspective and not because I "have it rough." I saw a bumper sticker one day while running. It said, "Don't change the way you look; change the way you see."

Dreams

2009-06-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

I had an endless line up of dreams last night all the way up to my alarm. Okay, actually all the way past two snoozes, then turning it off completely, and getting up for work an hour and a half late. It was like ABC's TGIF night, but without ordering pizza.

Every so often, I have these "slews" of dreams, and they usually are what makes me late in the morning. I just have to see what happens next! And of course, most of the time, if I try to fall back asleep to conclude the previous dream, I end up having an entirely new one that I absolutely have to find out what happens next in. I think that might be a result of my dreams tending to be about me A) trying frantically to find something in a very disorganized room, B) searching for or running from someone in a building with maze-like hallways and staircases, or C) having some sort of social interaction in which something needs to be resolved between me and the person. This makes absolute sense, because if I were doing any of those things in real life, you better believe I'm going to be late for work. :-P

The most prominent dream came right before I woke up the first time, probably shortly before my alarm went off. I was walking down the street with a group of friends that included my brother's girlfriend, Emelia. We saw a short distance away a woman in her late forties or so close to tears and clutching a watering can. Some people in our group started to make jokes about why and then turned down another street, but I hung around and Emelia stayed with me. I walked over to the woman and asked her, "Are you okay? Is there anything I can get you? Soup or soda? Anything?" She said it was awfully kind of me and that she could really go for a charbroiled something or other (I can't quite remember). I said I'd go get that for her, but before leaving I asked her if she wouldn't mind telling me what was going on. Clutching the can even more tightly, she said she just lost her husband and the service was going on inside the building she was facing. She started bawling so I just wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could, and as she buried her face in my shoulder, she sobbed and rambled and mumbled and sniffled. I thanked her for sharing and then, and this is the part that I can't figure out, I took a drink from her watering can. I said I would be right back with, and I had to ask what she wanted again, a charbroiled something or other, but she said I didn't need to do that, but that it was awfully kind of me to offer. We looked at each other, I offered another hug which she accepted, and after a few moments she quickly turned to leave, sans watering can. I went back to Emelia, who had watched the whole thing, and she said, "She is sooooo pissed at you for getting her to open up to someone." I looked back and the woman was nearly 25 years younger and was just linking arms with a young guy and they walked off together. I told Emelia, "Maybe she is pissed now because she doesn't want that guy to see her upset, but she was not pissed just now in the moment."

I've been told that the best way to interpret dreams is to see every aspect of the dream as an aspect of yourself. And that aspect could be anything from external information you have taken in from movies and other media or walking down the street or being with friends to internal thoughts and opinions and interpretations about those experiences. For instance, if you see your friend, Charlie, it could represent not just Charlie, but all your own thoughts, memories, and opinions about Charlie and what Charlie means to you. The last time I interpreted a dream that way, it was a very intense, violent, and graphic dream (let me know if you want to hear about that one-the teaser is giving birth out of my thigh), and once I made the self-centric interpretation, I felt it made a lot of sense and was less scary. This dream wasn't scary, just a new topic for me. I don't know that I've made many empathetic approaches to people in need in my dreams, at least not on this scale.

My best conclusion is that the dream symbolizes my recent developments in emotional intelligence, an area I have been experiencing difficulty in for a number of years. (I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, but for context, Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, explains that "emotional intelligence is the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.") If I view every aspect of the dream as an aspect of myself, I think my dream expresses my growing capacity to manage feelings, and for the following reasons. First, I approached the woman, or myself in this sad state, regardless of other friends making jokes about her; they represent my own negative thoughts about whether or not this is an acceptable state to be in or whether I have a good reason to be sad or not. Secondly, I offered her soup or soda, something that might take care of her physical needs. People in extreme emotional states can forget about hunger, thirst and tiredness while getting caught up in their mind. I also offered her consolation in the form of a hug and allowed her to let out tears and words, even if I couldn't understand them. This allowed the feelings to just be, instead of trying to make logical sense of them. The watering can that she clutches to so tightly must be the ability to heal or grow, which she has at hand but hasn't used yet. I end up personally drinking from it, possibly to draw the connection that my healing is her healing. She has lost her husband. I take this to represent the many things coming to an end in my life right now, particularly my job, that I have not yet mourned over completely, though others around me are doing so and moving on. Once I gave myself consolement and support and drank the healing elixir (that makes me laugh just typing it-see? I laugh at myself a lot :-P) , I move on, even look 20-25 years younger, which from late forties is about my age now. Emelia, who is present I think because she has qualities I admire and wish to emulate, because we have been "studying" similar topics as of late, and I also know her to be a supportive companion, asked a question that reveals my self-doubt and fear in offering such empathy to a stranger, that they would not appreciate it. I respond with confidence that I remember the minute before when she was sincerely bawling her eyes out and mumbling into my shoulder, and I know she is grateful, content, and able to move on.

My other dreams consisted of a Cylon staircase chase, a pink sweet sixteen dress with attached necktie, roller coaster amusement park parking lot tram, a plastic bowl of leftover thai coconut soup, and a few others whose details have blurred into oblivion. Needless to say, they were not as revealing as this one.

A few positive updates

2009-06-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm very glad for some of the work I did today and some of the news I received because yesterday was my lowest of lows in a long while. I stayed home from work. I did nothing. I stared at the ceiling. Then I stared at the carpet. Then I decided I should hang up my towel and get dressed. And yes, I realize those two sentences are oddly placed together, but no, that's not what I meant. I actually stared at the carpet. on my floor. After getting dressed, I turned on the computer and stared at it. I watched some Daily Show episodes on Hulu. Then I watched some Twin Peaks episodes. And then I fell asleep for three hours. Bored yet? I'm getting to the good stuff, just hold steady. But yeah, let's just say MENTAL HEALTH DAY FTW.

Earlier this week, on Tuesday, I went to a New Volunteer Orientation for the Berkeley School District and I have hopes to be placed in a program this Fall, either as a writing coach with high school students or in special ed. A guy at my work also put me in touch with his wife, who works at a high school in the bay area with kids who have behavioral and learning disabilities, so there is a chance I could volunteer there, too. How that will end up fitting with any 9-5 job I might get in the meantime, I'm not sure, but as for now I'm going to ignore high hopes of a job and just let things go as they go.

Speaking of a JOB, today I received a call from one of the places I applied to a couple weeks ago, and now I have an interview next week! I guess I just have to go out and buy some interview clothes (right, Emelia?). I'm pretty stoked about the interview because this is the job I've been most interested in. I won't go into too much, but it's a therapy center that works with emotionally troubled kids in their own environments-school, home, recreation, you name it.

I am also scheduled next week for my very first Research Assistant shift at the Harvey Sleep and Psychological Disorders Lab on UC Berkeley campus, a volunteer position I mention in my second or third post.

Just the perfect little blossom of good stuff to "turn that frown upside down" and help me feel once again that progress is underway. My horoscope today (which I swear I can't avoid because it's dead center of my google home page :-P) says,

"You may feel conflicted today because your goals don't seem practical enough. You have a strong desire to increase the amount of meaning in your life now, but the options to do this are not necessarily supported by your current job. Unfortunately, you cannot just walk away, for you have financial obligations that must be met. Don't get discouraged if you have to continue on your present path for a while longer; your time for change will come."

I don't need a horoscope to tell me that! But yeah, it is encouraging.

My favorite ways to stay motivated

2009-06-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

YES. This week IS better. Don't know how, but I must have gotten sick of the pouty face I had going on for the last two weeks. It just doesn't match the clothes I have that are still clean. That and maybe the pint of ice cream I had last night wasn't sitting right. Well, that being said, I'd like to tell you all the many ways one might maintain motivation and productivity. And by "one," I basically mean myself, but if it works for you too, great!

1. Work on work that is actually for the company you work for. Funny how that isn't a given.

2. Eat oatmeal for breakfast. With brown sugar and raisins. And drink some English breakfast tea. Two cups.

3. If writing a cover letter, let friends read it and give you their opinions. This not only let's you be social while "working," it also eases the pressure of applying to said job when at least one other person thinks your letter doesn't suck.

4. Drink lots of water. You NEED it. In the least, it gives an excuse to get up off your butt to go to the bathroom a lot, which means more time walking around and less time working on the butt shaped indent in your office chair.

5. Smell the flowers. I'm dead serious. The jasmine on my street is INCREDIBLE. Ahhhh... Oh yeah, and identify the mourning dove whose call you keep hearing. And hug a tree. :-P And pet a cat.

6. Exercise, even if you don't want to. This is a tough one some days.

7. Talk to your mom. Or someone you love. I just so happened to talk to my mom today, who very kindly put some books on hold for me at The Bookman. And there's number 8.

8. Read. Which I am about to do!

9. Talk to your friends and family about what motivates you.

Okay, this may just be what I did today. But it was a pretty good day, so it must be all these things, right?? I forgot the most important thing though:

10. Love yourself, even when you aren't motivated. Love yourself for being unmotivated sometimes. I think that's how we take a break from life to actually live and reflect.

Loss of motivation is a downward spiral

2009-05-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

I ran yesterday after a week and a half off. In the past, a week and a half has not felt like a long time, since I've gone months and months without running sometimes. This time, I felt it all the way up into my brain.

It's been three weeks since the news of the office closing. The first week was optimistic, but last week was a tortuous spin out of control into 3 hour lunches, countless in-office powwows, and a bunch of frowns all around. I think I even let my brain "archive" all the information I need to perform my job without getting scatterbrained, so this week, one in which I've determined to be productive and motivated, I found work a little hard because of loss of information, not motivation. It is tough when management is talking about "bringing up the numbers" while the unquantifiable numbers of the work horses are sadly decreasing.

My point? Is there one? I can write a blog every now and then without a point, right? Well, my point is that I didn't run for a week and I also had the lowest, most unmotivated week at work as well. Chicken or the egg? Well, I find it's easier to finally push myself to put the running shoes on and enjoy the sunshine than to pull up that one document that has made me want to puke for the last 5 days.

Yesterday, we were sent home from the office a little after 1pm because there was a major power outage on our street. Getting home that early made me antsy and restless and I went out on a run, going farther than I usually do. When I got home, I folded laundry, took out the trash, and vacuumed. I'd also sent out my first resume and cover letter that morning while we still had power.

This brings up another theory. When I spend a full day at the office feeling unmotivated and unproductive, working on tasks that I feel DO NOT move me forward with my goals, by the time I get home I am unable to muster the energy to do anything. Because I never really "got started" so I can't maintain momentum if there has been no acceleration. And all I can say to that is, is it July 3 yet so I can move on with my life?

My ship is sinking...but floating on a raft doesn't sound so bad

2009-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, I received news that my office is closing. Completely. Entirely. Caput. Once the announcement and a few follow up words were said, I immediately raced to the bathroom to bawl for several minutes. I didn't want to go back in. I wanted to be furious and depressed and show them how horrible they were being. As soon as I finished that thought, the crying stopped. So I marched back in and went to another meeting, one for the "transition team" of about 15 people that are staying around until July 3. Everyone else had to pack up and leave that day.

My coworker said it all when he mentioned that it's not losing his job he's concerned about as much as he feels he is losing his family. It's true! We spend 1/3 of our lives and 1/2 of our average waking hours at the office. And like I said in the previous entry, I wouldn't be putting up with this cubicle if it weren't for the people I get to work with.

I left at 12pm on Thursday, intending to go grab a beer with Mike before packing for my weekend trip (Santa Cruz Island-Channel Islands National Park), and talked to my sister and my mom on the phone while waiting for him. Being away from the office, and also talking to my sister, gave me great perspective on my situation. The tears, I think, were really for my "family" and what they must be going through as well--individuals with families that most likely were relying on stability at their job for years to come, everyone who had to pack up and say goodbye for good that day, people away on vacation, mid-travel and maternity leave that wouldn't find out for another few hours or days. That's the part that tears me up inside. As far as I am concerned personally, I'm probably in the best situation out of anyone. I'm more relieved and excited than anything else. Here's why:

1. Wasn't my last blog post about how much I complain about my job and how miserable I am in a cubicle??? This is just the answer!

2. I don't have to worry anymore about compromising my loyalty to my company. While I was concerned about taking other jobs and making time in my schedule for more volunteer projects and ways to increase my foundation of knowledge in the psychology field because I felt I'd made a commitment to this company in every new responsibility I volunteered to take on, I don't have don't have to worry about those conflicting feelings anymore.

3. This is seriously the fire lit under my ass to make some bigger changes in my life and even lifestyle. I will no longer be a cube farm gopher!

4. Backpacking! I think I might take a little time off for some adventuring.

The best part about my feelings toward my situation is that I'm not scared. Yes, I'm a bit nervous, which is understandable and healthy, but my usual debilitating fear of the unknown is M.I.A. for this.

My heart goes out to those who may have fewer options and opportunities. But as my fortune cookie told me last month, "You will make change for the better." It couldn't have been more right.

Forging new trails...and leaving the ruts behind

2009-04-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I complain about my job at least once every other day. It's really not a bad job, though. My office is pretty casual. We wear jeans and t-shirts, and sometimes don't change out of our clothes from the mid-day jog; we work 9-5 with sometimes an hour lunch; in fact, some of us work closer to 10-6, and it's not a problem. The work itself, though it requires good focus and attention to detail, is not difficult and I've become very reliable and efficient at what I do. I have formed long term professional relationships with people in other states and countries via email. I sometimes get to contact authors for addresses to ship their free copies to them and help track down shipments that seem to be MIA, a task that enables me to exercise my interpersonal skills. But for the most part, there is a lot of down time. So, it's not the work that kills me, it's the lack of it.

I also don't feel useful. I know I am, though. I've been rewarded a good number of times with bonuses, a promotion, and also many verbal expressions of gratitude for my contributions. I want to help, but the computer book world is not my place. I don't understand the business world and find myself in confusing corporate conflicts from time to time. It's not my language. I want to speak my language. My mother can attest to the fact that I do have a language. Though after all these years I use English to communicate instead of a gibberish known as "Kimberlese," I believe it is still my unique language. I've been trying to be understood for many years in these worlds that just don't speak it. No wonder I've been full of aggression and frustration. Even my love of books was not enough to be an English Major. I needed to speak a different language-one that I clearly wasn't comfortable with.

After months of complaining about my job, and then being rewarded for it, I've made a huge and possibly the most important decision to date regarding the direction my life will go. I'm going back to school to study Psychology. I'm going to learn in my language and I'm going to express what I learn in my language. My focus right now is to become a school guidance counselor, but there are many other paths I'm sure will open up along the way.

My biggest fear about entering the field of Psychology is that I have no experience, no background except an Intro to Psych class at community college. I've imagined jumping into deep and dark water with choppy waves, and oh, did I mention I lose my glasses too? I am completely weak-limbed and blind in my made-up scenario. I don't know why I was being so stupid about it. It's pretty clear that if you know you can't swim, then you should probably start in the kiddie pool. But that's just me. I like things to happen fast, almost instantaneously. When my mom began piano lessons, I used to work with her books and teach myself, but I sucked and I abandoned it for the most part. Mom said that it required a lot of practice, commitment, and most importantly patience, which I was always in need of. "But I want to be good right away! I want to be a virtuoso! If I'm not at piano, I'll go find what I am a virtuoso at." There's only one thing I'm naturally adept at: being impatient.

So off to the kiddie pool I go. But let me tell you, there are a lot of fun activities going on there! Way more fun, I think, than being scared out of my mind, flailing my arms and legs in the deep end where I can't see shit. Since I made my decision, I have taken two Psych courses-Lifespan Human Development and Social Psychology-at Berkeley City College with another one planned for this Fall-Psychology of Childhood. I've researched graduate programs up the wazoo and even created a spreadsheet for them! I've registered for the Graduate Record Examination and am taking it in September; I've been studying vocab nearly every day. A friend who works in the neuroscience department at UC Berkeley put me in touch with a new professor who in turn put me in touch with the Sleep and Psychological Disorders Lab where I have an interview for a Research Assistant position. Another friend who is graduating in Psych from Cal this May put me in touch with the Director of Student Services in the Psych department and we are meeting next Wednesday over coffee so we can discuss my options, opportunities, and also what else I can be doing to increase my experience and knowledge. I'm attending a New Volunteer Orientation for the Berkeley School District in June and will choose a Fall program to offer my services to. And though it doesn't have anything to do directly with eventually applying and entering a grad program, I have taken up running again, realizing it promotes my mental health as well as physical. I take the motivation I develop on a run and apply it to the rest of my activities.

Though it is mostly a lot of networking, I feel just this amount of progress will be the catalyst to me entering a world that makes immense sense, and I'm brimming with excitement to share the news with people.

For Emphasis

2009-04-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

In typography, serifs are details at the end of strokes in letters and symbols. The explanations for why they developed range from being a result of printing methods (brushing on stone blocks and etching in wood), helping fluidly guide the reader's eyes through the letters and words, to offering pure decorative purposes; fonts with this detail are used mainly for the body of text.

Sans-serif fonts are used mostly for larger type--headlines, titles, and shorter pieces of text--because they are usually bolder, more emphatic, but also more casual and less formal. It just so happens that sans-serif fonts are also easier to read on the computer screen.

I'd like to dedicate this blog to the sans-serif. I serve this blog on some plain white rice (or brown if that's what you like) complete as it is without garnish and frippery, wholly prepared to both please and nourish. As I become more comfortable in my own skin, less nervous about making horrendously bad decisions, and bolder, more emphatic about the future, I realize what a sincere approach to life might look like. I am taking a step toward being completely honest with myself about my interests, opinions and beliefs, so that I might share with those around me with the utmost honesty and without all the empty flourish. I realize the empowerment that comes with knowing how to articulate my opinions, but also that any one opinion may change within a matter of minutes, depending on what new information comes my way.

I hope you come along with me in these explorations.