Welcome back, Anxiety

“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self.... And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Anxiety. It rears its ugly head in defense as I make my venture. I say defense because it sees this venture as an offensive move against myself. I make attempts to engage with my world, and something still screams out inside of me, hide, run, be silent. Even writing this post is nerve-wracking, as I diligently choose my words and attempt to compose a string of prose worthy of exposure. This need for a sense of worthiness is key. I'll be getting to that. The anxiety I experience tends to prey upon self-esteem in that manner.

At times when the anxiety is at its heights, for instance, during my first semester in grad school last year, it has a tendency to interfere with my functioning in multiple ways. First, I let negative thoughts and ruminations creep in. These can manifest as self-deprecating beliefs, i.e. I'm not articulate enough, I'm faking it, Nobody will take me seriously, or as excuses to avoid doing something scary, i.e. I don't really need to take care of that yet, The traffic will be terrible, What if I get stuck in line?. The self-deprecating beliefs make it really difficult to take part in discussion threads for class because it makes it nerve-wracking to put my opinions out there. Another way is that I second guess myself. I can get confused about how long I should attempt to figure something out for myself and when I should ask for help. Why not just ask for help when it occurs to me? Because I second guess whether I need help or not. This also affects just basic communication with others. I can over think what I have to share with someone and after countless drafts, end up not saying it at all simply because it's so anxiety inducing to have what's in my head up for judgment. I am absolutely aware that I am creating my own world where all this judgment is flying around. I understand that it's really not what matters even if there is someone who wants to judge (haters gonna hate, right?). And there is the matter of worthiness. When anxiety heightens, my sense of worthiness slinks subtly away. Why isn't what I have to say in discussion as worthy as the next person's? Why am I not as worthy as the next shopper to take up space in an aisle while selecting a product? Anxiety doesn't think logically this way.

I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of making a big deal out of things. I'm tired of second guessing myself and living in self doubt. I'm really determined to start doing those things anyway. Noticing the fear, breathing deep with it, and carrying on with my task. Because I have ventures to go on. I have a lot of tasks I'd like to accomplish. Screw you, anxiety, I don't have time for you.