Sure played a mean pinball

For Andy's birthday, I drove him, his roommate and a couple friends from his cohort--and myself of course--out to a pinball museum last night in Alameda and as the majority of the games there are playable (90 to be exact), we had a blast playing all the machines for two and a half hours. I suspect Andy would have stayed much much longer if it hadn't been closing time. I never imagined how addictive pinball could be! It's especially so when you start on the 2-3 player friendly machines and get into a competitive groove. And it's especially so when the Indiana Jones themed game has a gun for the ball launcher which you pull the trigger on to "shoot" the ball!! Anyway, tell your friends and tell your family if you decide to go. Then they will know where to find you when you go missing.

I mentioned recently that I was most likely taking the GRE again (graduate record examination) and was thinking of changing my focus somewhat from school counseling to psychology research. I feel pretty good about it now. If I take it slow, I feel I will be able to transition through all the stages of the process more readily, whereas in the past, even with simple projects, I sometimes rushed myself out of excitement and enthusiasm and then lost steam or got discouraged when things were changing too quickly or not quickly enough.

Anyhow, I believe the coming of spring has been an enormously uplifting event for me. New births, new life, new outlook. Peace for now.

Spring fun in the sun

My friend in New York can attest to the importance of sun. He feels it during the winter when it snows for days and 20 minutes of sun brings the whole neighborhood outdoors to walk the dog, grocery shop or just shoot the shit at the corner bodega. Perhaps that is why my winter New York trip was not as enjoyable as the hot humid and sunny July trip. He says he feels like his body gulps up every bit of sun it can, when it is out of course, to make up for long days of clouds and snow.

He must think we're spoiled out here in the Bay Area right now, what with our days and days of sun, spoiled only by a few days and nights of pouring rain. As soon as the good weather started showing its face, I started going down to Cesar Chavez Park by the Berkeley Marina for a good walk in the sun and a gorgeous view of the bay nearly every day. Many of you know already that I've been driving around an advertising car and the parking lot there seems perfect for some face time. It turns out the park is perfect for me to get some face time, too, but with sunshine!

Being in the sun, but I think more specifically being out in the park, walking the mellow hills and gazing out across the bay, has really lifted my spirits. I'm somewhat slow at times with thinking through options and deciding which direction to head next in life, and the walks have helped me take the time to focus on these moments. A few of my next steps include finding a job since unemployment is probably up in July (I have a few leads and am crossing fingers), taking the GRE again to attempt more impressive scores (I think completely doable as I didn't study much last time and still received average), and trying to utilize my extra time as best I can. I think the new school plan may be to apply next year to school psychology programs next year. My passion for helping direct students may be better used in research or as a school psychologist.

I'm looking forward for more great weather, but a rainy day inside here and there isn't so bad either. It's a good excuse to get a lot of reading done.

Driving in spirals

I've been told I run hot and cold, though, I doubt I need to be told this. I feel it. I feel the two extremes as I transition between them, though there is not even much of a transition. Just giant steps from one to the other. I have known for awhile that I periodically experience intense sadness and can't help but get caught in the downward spiral. Others can probably tell you that they end up feeling the affects of these experiences, too. I call them depressive episodes, though they are not clinically diagnosed. I have experienced enough of these at this point that I have learned to not be fatalistic about my heavy state. The cloud will lift again and I will experience an incredible new-found sense of purpose and industry. My awareness of my emotional states lead me to question whether I am not addicted to specific strong emotions that I strategize my behavior to produce them.

Introspection aside, there are possibly a lot of interesting stories to share, but I may save them for later. Mostly weighing on my mind is grad school. The one school I really want to go to did not accept me and after thinking about it some more, I realized I don't want to go to either of the other two. This realization led me to think about why I only wanted to go to Western, which turns out to probably be the location. I think I have lost steam on what I want to study, though partly because I have picked up a part time job and have been committing more of my time to that. A year ago, I was so certain, but now I have grown tired and weary of my progress. I still will study Psychology in some form, but for now I may have to focus on acquiring some income to pay off loans and bills. Next year I plan to try again, perhaps to study School or Educational Psych. Purpose and industry continue to dart around the corners out of sight.

Also, an announcement: If anyone in the Bay Area needs to run some errands with a vehicle or be driven somewhere during the week, I can help out. 714-595-1024

I am les sad

There isn't much more to say. I suppose I can think of reasons, but they just all mingle together and I can't keep them straight. Plus, I'd like to be sad without a reason. I want to be allowed an emotion without a specific reason. Just sad is all.

Whirlwind month

As if January didn't have enough excitement, February comes bounding in with a bang. The month went by so fast, and yet, I can't believe it's only been a month! I feel like all the things I have accomplished and started doing couldn't possibly all fit into one month. That middle school writing assessment scoring session when I first asked the teachers where they needed volunteer support and that because of I'm now a teacher's assistant in a middle school ELD class? Yeah, that was still in January, along with asking the Berkeley School Volunteers coordinator about volunteering in the counseling center at Berkeley High, emailing the counselor, not getting a response, walking in to see her, and immediately establishing the times I am to come in every week. And did I really look at 9 rooms for rent in the span of one week? Yes, I did, and in the rain, too. And only one week later found a place that has accepted me. It is also hard to imagine that in one month I completed the entire process of applying to three graduate programs in school counseling, two of which I didn't decide on until a day before handing off the letter of recommendation forms (I might add that I also managed to lose one and find two more people of reference this month, too).

I'm also sitting in on a couple of the best classes I have ever taken at Cal. I was never this excited about any of my English classes, which makes me a little sad that I wasn't a Psych major after all, but I can't ignore all the really cool people I met through being an English major, too. I'm happy for how my life has gone, but I wish I had a better idea that the human mind is my passion, and not literature (no dis on lit though! I still love a good read). The Clinical Psych class I am auditing is taught by Allison Harvey whose sleep lab I work in. She is an amazing lecturer and it was really great to finally meet her this afternoon after all this time working in the lab. The other class, Psych of Personality, is taught by another person from the lab, the postdoc, who I've met a few times before and embarrassingly forgot he was a postdoc and asked if he was a GSI (graduate student instructor) for the class, to which he responded with a chuckle that no, he was teaching it!

Oh and somewhere I have found room to socialize. My friend Andy and his roommate Rachel are getting a CSA box every week of local farm fresh fruit and veggies, and I have been included in brainstorming and cooking dinners every Thursday night (and sometimes Friday, and sometimes Sunday, and the occasional Tuesday...there are a lot of vegetables) as well as writing for the new blog Andy set up. We are skeptical as to whether it will be interesting or if anyone will read it, but if you are interested, it is beyondthekale.net. He also lives over by a climbing gym that is predominately for bouldering and also has $5 Fridays for students! I've really been enjoying myself and my very own shoes should be arriving in the mail soon. There have also been a number of parties, including a late christmas party, an afternoon tea, a picnic movie night, and my friend Suzanne's dance show (woo!).

Yes, I know I basically just rattled off my calendar, but it feels like a lot has happened since I got back from New York on the 5th. A lot of things are changing in my life, and you know what? I don't feel anxious about any of them. In fact, I'm very excited to find out whether I will be moving away for grad school in August (and where to!) or if I'll be staying another year in Berkeley, tutoring and volunteering and learning so much still. I'm excited to be moving in with a few very nice people (fellow Cancers too!) and their very sweet doggies and a kitchen (no more hot plate!!). I am excited for more dinners, climbing, watching friends in various artistic endeavors and moving forward ever forward. Hurray for 2010! My friend Jesse said he felt like this would be a good year, and right now I'd have to agree.

What's that noise?

The other day when it was raining, I was listening to the rain drip various places on the outside of my house when I heard a huge commotion underneath one of the west facing windows. There is a pipe or vent of some sort there and I thought perhaps a huge amount of water dumped out from somewhere above onto it, so I left it at that. Today, while it was raining, I heard the same type of commotion and decided to check it out. A squirrel was in the rosebush! And then he plucked off a rose hip and started noshing on it. What a cutie.

He decided to finish his meal at the dinner table. Hey look over here!

January gloom with a cut-out paper sun

Hello Berkeley of twenty-ten! It's nice to meet you. I just got in from New York yesterday evening and boy was I teary-eyed to see the lights (and darkness) of the bay during descent. This really is my town. I feel a connection to it that I don't anywhere else. That could be because all my stuff is here and I have a place to be where I am cozy and can ignore things when I want to ignore them or go out and enjoy when I want to enjoy. I do miss having a cat on my lap though.

Though I've spent the last couple of weeks in melancholia, I'm grateful for a time to mellow out. I've been overanalyzing the simplest things and now that I'm writing my personal statement, all the cynicism is coming through. I'm worried my paper sounds like a train wreck where everyone died. That's sure to get me into grad school. I feel inconsistent and rambling, as though I am trying to muster up clear answers, but I don't have them, making the answers I give not really what I mean and not exactly coherent either.

Maybe I really am cynical by nature. Last year I was feeling so positive and jubilant and had so much to talk about. Now I am once again stuck in abstract-land (which by the way doesn't have nearly cool enough roller coasters) just running in circles inside my head.

I want to do more activities this year. Please, if anyone wants to go jogging, hiking, exploring, lunching, and the like, let me know. Sometimes I'm horrible at conversation, but it's still nice to have someone to do these things with.