2012

Two ouch hand elf. So were the final gestures that helped me communicate the movie “2012” to my charades teammates. It was a time so long before 2012 was real. Longer still, now that 2012 is a memory too. But I do remember it being a moment I felt so much just for myself. At that moment, I was content with myself, where I was, who I was with. I longed for nothing, except perhaps to forget things from the past. I was with kind and joyful people with real people lives and problems, but we were all there together and I was content to settle into it.*** I have my brother and his (new) wife (but longtime partner) to thank for that. It was my brother, Nick, who really helped me transition after moving to Berkeley. A few rooms were opening up in the house he had been renting with five others at the same time I was accepted to UC Berkeley. He introduced me to people and I learned about the different ways of being a friend. and not a friend. And it was him that I continued to grow a friendship with. While other friendships came and went, the love and encouragement of my brother was persistent and loyal. I had not fully realized the magnitude of the transition, but his moving to the east coast towards the end of 2012 has had one of the biggest impacts on me recently. I am only so grateful to have been able to take a mini road trip with him to Southern California last August. He is surprised to hear when I tell him he is encouraging. He has no idea. Sometimes, it feels like he is my biggest fan, rooting for me all the way. I realize now my entire family is rooting for me all the way. ALL the way. (thank you, family, I love you deeply)*** But then new amazing people come into our lives, and with all the amazingness, we must learn to adjust ourselves, and get along in a new capacity. 2012 was a big year of change for me, except that looking from the outside, most wouldn’t notice. In my last post, I mentioned a little about confronting demons within, learning my own personal boundaries, and opening up to authenticity of the self. I had met Andy at the end of 2009, but it felt like we’d been together much longer. Having lived together a year by mid 2012, and about to embark on a European adventure, as well as a Bay Area adventure with a move to the south bay, we were venturing into pretty new territory. My internal self was aroil. I didn’t understand my feelings, and was even scared of them and what they meant. I was scared of how I wanted to react in response to my feelings. At the same time, I had just quit my job at the bookstore with no amount of social energy to spare. Indeed, I was concerned about a potential mental breakdown. Other events a whole year and a half before led me to seek help for depression and social anxiety.*** Depression may not come as a shock. Depression is a common temporary state and less so but still common is chronic depression, and in this economy, I imagine there are many depressed people out there struggling that do not seek help. It is absolutely a human condition, and it is absolutely treatable. My depression is often triggered by social anxiety, and vice versa. Working in retail again drained all social energy from my being, challenged my nonexistent or blurry boundaries, triggered anxiety. I would snap at Andy after coming home at night, not even wanting to say a word about my day, much less ask about his. I stopped going out to shows in the evening, not because I couldn’t make them, but because I didn’t want to do anything except go home after work. I stopped making plans with friends. I stopped saying “yes” to invites, but feeling terrible while doing so. The store felt soul sucking. I experienced a wide range of moods there, but the most popular were either charming and upbeat or taciturn, curt, and dejected. I let my customers affect me too much. I let my employers affect me too much.*** There are a few with whom I’ve shared about my social anxiety and they are surprised, almost shocked even, to hear that I struggle with something I appear to enjoy so much. Because in fact, they tell me, whenever they see me, I am friendly, sociable, and and a good listener. But these are all qualities that maybe spur on social anxiety in some people. In me at least. And last year I got to learn some things about myself. Sometimes I listen ALL too well. Sometimes I can’t shut off all the things to listen to and notice. The key to this ends up being that I don’t go to large gatherings too often. I enjoy a lot of alone time. A LOT. I have trouble making phone calls and I don’t have long chats that often either. The exceptionally unfortunate part about this is that I really LOVE people. I am fascinated by them. I want to help them. I want to hang around them. Other times, I am frightened of them, even angry. I think we can all attest to feeling this range of emotions toward other humans. Whatever it is, people have a strong affect on my emotional state, and it makes them so much more curious to me. When I really let my guard down, I realize how much empathy I am feeling and it is no wonder that I shut down or react defensively. Because I am such a little empath, and because I didn’t know how to differentiate between others’ turmoil and my own, I either would hurt hurt hurt or hate hate hate. People show their pain and anger in all sorts of ways. We are such complex creatures (did I say SO FASCINATING??). Often times, anger is a protective measure against feeling all the hurt in the world, and I was very much doing this and spreading more hurt. (Why is it so hard to spread compassion?)*** After still struggling with emotion regulation, and experiencing a major depressive episode after moving, my therapist decided to get me on medication. I’d put in the effort of 2 years of going it alone (no not alone! I had a team-Andy and my therapist and family-rooting for me). So in September, I started taking Zoloft, one of the most popular SSRIs (antidepressants) out there. I never thought I’d be one to glorify drugs, but it really was my savior. I was pulled out of a deep pit of coiling cloud and fog and though I could now see the unfamiliar island my pit was on, I had the sight and the gumption to move forward, to get off the island. Before I was just in a pit, and the first step was to get out of it. I also described it as a head inside a bigger head, and the bigger head started cracking and the smaller head could finally see out, could finally move out. Even now not in it, it is harder to describe. And it is hard enough to describe while in it. Even my dreams changed after starting the Zoloft. Instead of running through maze-like buildings, being chased by someone I could never quite see, getting lost in a sea of faces that seemed familiar but I couldn’t remember upon waking, I started dreaming outside in the open. I started walking, not running. I roamed the neighborhood and walked all night. Sometimes I would walk so much I would wake up tired, but rejuvenated, like just being outside in my dreams was something to relish. I think the dramatic change in dreams was the most fascinating to me.*** I couldn’t have asked for a more colorful year. Well, one more thing happened...Andy and I got engaged! And I couldn’t feel luckier and happier. Even before the engagement we’d already been deep in conversation about marriage. Being engaged and getting married is kind of like a short cut. It says “HEY I DIG THIS PERSON SO MUCH, I WANT TO BE WITH THEM, I WANT TO LEARN AND GROW WITH THEM, I WANT TO LIVE LIFE WITH THEM.”*** Because this world is beautiful and scary and confusing and amazing and it is such a wonderful thing to have a teammate in it.

Keep on keeping on

This is a year of change (as if any other year isn't?), of new experiences, of terrible ones, of terribly exciting ones; of new and old, sad and joyous. This is the year I change into myself, exchanging potential for reality; for being who my being is; for confronting demons within. Authenticity is not declaring others less authentic than you. Let's keep working. Let's keep trying to be decent, but fair. Let's maintain personal boundaries, but break down barriers. Let's keep cultivating compassion and understanding. Let's not be petty and instead call out pettiness when we see it. Let's cultivate honesty, not necessarily common ground. Let's be honest and responsible with our anger and not blame one another. And if we still fail, let us forgive ourselves for being human. Let's be impressed with ourselves and take pride in coming this far.

Transitions

This is how it goes. You have anxiety out in public, so you don’t go out in public, because you start anticipating the anxiety before you’re even out in public. So you stay home. And you’re by yourself. And even though you’ve completed a year of therapy and continue to go, to help this transition go more smoothly, you start telling yourself things you promised to never say anymore. You’re not good enough. You’re lazy. You’re fat. You snack too much. You aren’t productive enough. You have too much anxiety to get anything done. People don’t like you. People think you are weird. Your friends are just friends with you out of convenience. And these things start to become true to you. And it makes you sad, so you make them truer. I wish I could just tell myself, “you’re you, you’re different, and it doesn’t matter why, it matters what you do with that.”

No wonder babies cry so much!

I have so much to say! Really! But I lack the energy to get it all out here. Maybe another day, another post, I can really dig into the things that have been on my mind lately, but I come home from my retail job exhausted, sometimes brain dead. Or even better, I need to get started on my part time work right away. Even with all my wordy abilities, when I am exhausted I lose all articulation and patience with myself and just want to cry! Not necessarily because I am SOOO sad, but because I can't get anything else out! No wonder babies cry so much. They haven't learned spoken or written language yet and can't get anything else out than crying.

So I'm poking out my little exhausted, inarticulate head to just say that I want to say things. That I'm here and I think about my blog every day. I think about things to write about every day on my way to work, and by the time I get home, I just can't do it. So I watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Andy, or we play a game, or I read news and other people's blogs on my computer. Yes my life is so exciting, I am too overwhelmed to write about it! Hehe.

Well, it is indeed exciting, because 2012 marks more or less the beginning of my third year with a wonderful man, and promises a lot of new growth and progress on the emotional front. With mental health and finances on the mend, I look forward to what I will learn about myself, my passions, and what I am truly capable of!

Hitting rock bottom

I haven't done this whole blogging thing for a good long while and I may be rusty. The nature of this post may also be a bit jarring and out of the blue since I haven't been updating on all the good things happening around me. Just be warned, it's not the happiest of topics, but I at least am feeling more upbeat now than yesterday when I was going through it all.

I hit rock bottom yesterday. And for no particularly good reason. It is always hard for me to admit this and share, but here I am doing so. Not for attention, not for sympathy, but to just let it be known that depression is a real illness that sometimes locks you so deep somewhere there is just no reasonable solution. Although sometimes I wish it really was as easy as the Bob Newhart "Stop it!" skit on MadTV. You must look it up! I fail at posting links apparently. :)

It's so embarrassing to be sad and not have anything to respond to the question "what is it?" I feel like if I knew what it was, I probably wouldn't be in this much despair. It's also embarrassing to call in sick to work and then be asked about what bug you had the next day. Other people take a mental health day and go shoe shopping. I stay home and cry. And then I cry over the fact that I'm crying for no reason and then it escalates. I feel like a child at these moments. Part of me embraces the child, yet another part wonders what I am acting like one for. And in the end, I have no new shoes to show for my mental health day!

I'm feeling really vulnerable by posting this, so please don't come at me with all the things I should be doing or should have done for myself. I'm still processing it all and took today to simply mellow out and be mildly productive-I swept the upstairs, made some tea and looked out at the bay, left for work early and sat down by the lake for half an hour, I listened to my good friend talk about her own troubles, and answered each phone call at the store with at least one deep breath, two if I could fit them in. Not once did I get overly irritated with customers. And I had soup for lunch to round the whole day out.

And so I'm going to finish off with all the good things you've been missing out on this past year (and apparently I forgot about yesterday): My brother got married in September! My other brother, sister and I were all in the wedding and it set so many good familial feelings in motion that my sister and I planned a big Thanksgiving dinner and invited nearly twenty-something of our family members and honorary family members (thank goodness only 18 of them could come!) which we have not done in, literally, ages. Andy came and met my family for that and they really like him! Not surprising, he's very likeable. :) We also went out to Balboa Island to search for the Arrested Development Banana Stand and other geeky A.D. filming spots. We are pretty certain we played air hockey in the arcade where Gob gets distracted by a claw machine.

Andy and I had our milestone one year anniversary in December, although come to think of it, we didn't really do anything special other than hang out with his friends who were in town, but come Valentine's Day he did give me a Claddagh ring with an emerald set in it (because my favorite color is green, he says, and he is right!). I had just come down with a nasty flu that afternoon, and so as he was getting me set up in bed with a bit of ginger ale and I was loopy from the Nyquil, he pulls out the gift he'd been trying to give me all day. I was so tired, sick and miserable that I broke out in tears of joy. "Really, it's not much and it might make your finger fall off.." he said. I remarked (or maybe slurred) "Well, we'll just have to find out because I'm not taking it off!" My finger is still quite intact!

This past June we moved into a new house with a spectacular view and lots of space-a great deck to hang out on, Andy just planted a small trial garden, and I have my own office with an extra desk so I can work on my collages. Right in the middle of the move, Andy and I finally headed out to Kansas City, MO to meet HIS family (sans sister), and I think they like me? I hope! I get a lot of good vibes (aka texts and gifts and all sorts of fun things :)) from his mom and sister, so I think that's a good sign. We had a really nice time out there seeing fountains and soccer and columns and consuming bbq and fried things and beer. And at last Andy's sister came to visit us during our housewarming party and my birthday which was really a treat since I still hadn't met her until then! It's too bad she can't stay with us all summer.

And then just a few days ago I was able to catch up with an old friend over sushi, bottomless sake, and some karaoke, and I had a really nice time with her. So, lots of nice, great things have happened too. Lots of big important things! So why all the sad? Maybe it's all this transitioning and new things that got to me somewhere in that bizarre brain of mine, but I have good reason to acknowledge how fortunate I am, how loved, how cared for, and whenever I am capable I'd like to help make that true for others.

I went to the woods to work deliberately

About a month ago, something very exciting happened to me. I was offered a part-time temporary position at a very popular independent new and used bookstore in Oakland, Walden Pond (we just won best bookstore 2010 in the East Bay Express!). This part-time temporary work was to be my foot in the door, to possibly acquire more hours and shifts in the future if I seemed to prove myself worthy. What was supposed to start out as a temporary gig two times a week, became in no time a nearly full-time job. I guess I proved myself? I'm pretty certain my entire body is not even in the door but far past it. And I'm really enjoying being a bookish nerd again, taking charge over the used fiction section, and having such a variety of projects going on at all times. Motivation to read has increased enormously, my list is growing yet again, and I find myself reading til I zonk out, something I haven't really done in awhile.

In the style of Nick Hornby's Polysyllabic Spree, the books I have recently finished, am in the middle of, and recently picked up are as follows.

Recently finished:
Herself in Love by Marianne Wiggins: Short stories focusing on mundane existence reminiscent of Raymond Carver, but far less sparse syntax. Each was better than the one before it, particularly "Insomnia" and the title story "Herself in Love".

The Effects of Living Backwards by Heidi Julavits: A satirical look at a post 9-11 reality in which plane hijacking preparedness is protocol was sadly disappointing. It feels like it could be Nabokov kind of cool, but really goes nowhere with its point other than to point out that people don't change.

Working on:
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers: Figured it is about time I read this classic! So far it is an intriguing character driven story that explores human behavior.

What is an Emotion? Classic Readings in Philosophical Psychology edited by Cheshire Calhoun & Robert C. Solomon: Bought this in Portland LAST AUGUST and finally cracked it open a number of months ago. The Introduction is hefty and I'm nearly finished just with it.

The Kiterunner by Khaled Hosseini: Chose this for a book club because the last tutoring session at the high school was on this book, it has been on the NY times bestseller list for at least 4 years, and we had a lot of copies at Walden Pond. Only a few chapters in and we're meeting on Saturday to decide when to finish it. It's told from the perspective of a man living in San Francisco who grew up in Afghanistan about what he experienced in the way of class and racism. At least, that's what I gather so far in a few chapters.

Coming up:
The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
Magister Ludi (or The Glass Bead Game) by Hermann Hesse
To See You Again by Alice Adams
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

The irony zoomed past me as I got tunes from "The Little Mermaid" stuck in my head the night before Andy and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Contemplating our afternoon later on Friday out on the sunny, breezy oceanside deck of the aquarium, I ashamedly realized the significance. I had just seen some sebastians, flounders, scuttles, and flotsam and jetsam, too. Coming to the end of my list, I demanded to see some mermaids. And maybe a sea witch or something. Yeah, that would complete the afternoon. But seriously, all in all, we saw a lot of creatures. A lot. From tiny to enormous, smooth to roughly crusted, furry to spiky, leafy, squishy, gooey and, of course, fishy, I felt oddly like these creatures were putting things into perspective for me. It's not just the diversity that is beautiful. As Andy I sat watching the kelp forest tank, he remarked on how some of the fish were content to remain still and float and drift with the movement of the water back and forth in unison with the seaweed. The sea dragons and sea horses had the same lethargic looking inertia to them, horses hooked onto thin grasses just bob bob bobbing in currents while the leaf looking dragons just afloat and drifting, sometimes even bumping into each other, their appendages blending and getting lost together. The jelly fish also seem to drift, pulsing through a serene starless space with only existence on the "nerve net," the closest jelly fish equivalent to a brain (jelly fish also don't have a central nervous system). A crotchety looking bittern seen in the flamingo exhibit didn't move from his sagely perch in the 3 or so hours between our first and second viewings, and the giant octopi remained wedged between rock and glass as long as possible. On the other hand, there were also frenetic seeming small fishes darting back and forth, like the schools of sardines that, flashing and glinting as a large united body of individuals, followed an unseen path through the open waters between hammerhead sharks, dolphinfish, tuna, and also barracuda that were all too interested, every once in awhile scaring the body and inciting an explosion of sparkling fishes in multiple directions before they reconvened into their tight-knit defenses. And the Magellanic penguins "flying" beneath the surface rarely paused long enough for a decent picture. They were awfully cute though. In another category entirely, the sea otters reminded us of their mammalian nature, seeming to play in their grooming practices, floating on backs and pulling their hind flippers up to their tummy almost in a fetal position. Though it looked like a cozy and safe way to curl up, they were actually keeping their poorly insulated feetsies from getting too cold in the water.

I think it is clear I got a lot out of our day at the aquarium. It reminded me of the stresses I tend to put myself through without really needing to, the things I complicate my life with that are more just games my mind plays with itself than efforts toward growth and productivity. And isn't that what is driving these creatures in some way? Or at least, that is what we ourselves are interested in learning about them. We learn the basics: development from birth to adulthood, what they eat, how they defend themselves (or hunt), and how they reproduce. Surely these are the basics to all life, and not just what we as humans think are important. In a metaphorical sense, growth and productivity are also immensely important to being viewed as successful. And so I ask myself, am I successful?