Things I have learned this past year:
*Relationships are hard work. Really hard work. And I'm not always cut out for maintaining them. Though I am reveling in the fact that I am more comfortable than I have been in a long while sharing with my parents and rebuilding my relationship with them. Having different beliefs than one's parents is always difficult and letting them know that is even tougher. It's hard for me to not feel like I am disappointing people and this has been one of my greatest challenges in developing an honest and trustful connection with the people who raised me in a certain way and hoped for certain things. I am at a point where I truly feel the proudness they have for their children and have a clearer picture of them as people and not just MY parents. I think that the most honest way to connect with people is to see them as individuals and not just all the roles they have taken on throughout life and managing to experience this with my parents has been an incredibly fulfilling experience that has convinced me of the unending support I have through my family. My siblings and I have grown closer and closer throughout the years and this one in particular saw a lot of intense raw reality in expressing our joys and sorrows with each other. I am so grateful for these relationships, for sharing a history with such unique individuals. Yes, there are still many issues on this front, but I feel a sense of stability from my family for once.
Non-relative relationships have been more of a roller coaster, meeting some wonderfully beautiful people and also continuing longer term friendships (beautiful minds and essences-I think you may know who you are and thank you so much for your friendship) that have greatly expanded my perspective, but also seeing some friendships deteriorate and not knowing if I had the energy to reconstruct them or whether or not I should expend the energy to make things right. When are things ever right anyway? That's the difficult part. Becoming close to another person requires investing so much of multiple resources both concrete and intangible it is hard to determine when continuing on and sorting things out in tough times is realistic or better to leave alone. This is my biggest challenge on the friend front. I am no model friend, believe me. I admit I have hurt people I care deeply about, though it has not been intentional. I'm thinking that the same difficulty in seeing my parents as separate from all their various roles I associate them with comes into play on this level of relationships as well. Does anyone else have a difficult time in tactfully maintaining one's own mental sanity and simultaneously avoiding detriment to another's? I'm sure this is linked to my fear of disappointing people and could work on my honesty and assertiveness first to myself (imagine that! I can disappoint even myself) and then to others.
*Having a sense of direction is my saving grace this year. I feel confident in my choice and confident in the possibility of changing course eventually again after I have worked in a school for a good long while. After working as a school counselor I may continue further in school/educational psychology or move on to clinical psychology as a general therapist. I get caught up in my emotions so often, it is relieving to have a more concrete idea of what I am doing with my life.
*Part of my confidence in Psychology is based in how I can personally relate to it. The newest phase studied in lifespan human development is Emerging Adulthood, said to last between ages 18 and 25. And isn't it ironic that in this past year in which I turned 26 I felt things start to fall into place and feel more like an adult? Maybe it isn't very adult for me to boast about how I feel like one, but upon reflection I don't see such different scenarios as I do different ways I have responded to them. I metacognitize a heck of a lot and I've seen a shift between rumination and action, obsessing and progressing. I went through my fair share of depression during the earlier part of the second half of this year (did you get that?), but from previous experience I was actually able to handle it much less fatalistically than I usually have. I let myself just zone out and experience it, knowing that I would sense a change eventually, and I did. Not that it wasn't hard, because it was, I just know there are harder things out there. My life is not one of those.
My apologies for such a candid post. These thoughts are spur of the moment reflections, how I feel now about what has happened, and while I've experienced misery, frustration, and despair this year, I let myself feel them very much in full and am now experiencing joy, hopefulness, and excitement. Each year brings such a variety of the unexpected and the anticipated, each day so different, routine habit mixed with nothing you could ever predict-I have no idea just exactly how my plans for next year will turn out, so I'm hoping at least that I'm ready for anything. Thanks to you all. I love you.
