Emptiness of Self

And life proves to be good, yet again, revealing all my woes to be attributable to my own silly neuroses and overanalysis of nearly everything. I have been reading "thoughts without a thinker" by Mark Epstein, a psychotherapist and Buddhist who incorporates Buddhist philosophy with the western notion of psychotherapy. I will try and be brief in summarizing the gist of the book. So far, he has argued that Freud's ideas of the self which exists deep beneath layers of childhood and relationships with parents are oddly similar to Buddhism's Wheel of Life used to teach about the concept of karma, "the notion that a person's actions in this life will affect the kind of rebirth he or she will take in the next." I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation and neither does Epstein. However, he uses the teachings of each realm in the Wheel of Life to explain a different aspect of psychotherapy, viewing the Wheel as more a categorization of psychological realms, "points of self-estrangement" he calls them, where we experience ourselves through our reactions to different things we find lacking in our sense of identity. The part that is echoing to me throughout today and this past week is the Buddha's idea of self as empty. If the self is empty, then we do not experience the tensions based on what we lack or what we cling to as images representing the self. I have learned that the act of defining oneself and attaching labels decreases the capacity for change and adaptation by requiring that if one makes a statement or opinion or even encounters something which clashes with these labels, the mind is confused and must accommodate for the change. If these labels do not exist, the self does not need to accommodate or overanalyze the process. It is found that a person who understands the "emptiness of self" is very similar to what Westerners expect in a person with a highly developed sense of self. The search for self is not regressive nor is it a manifestation of a true (buried) self, says Epstein, but rather a "crumbling of the false self" through "awareness of its manifestations" without sensing a need to create new ones, a very relieving experience indeed. I found myself saying in the shower something along the lines of, "I am not ashamed of who I am, I am not ashamed of my opinions, interests and desires which are free to change. I am not ashamed of me." This type of statement may be a no brainer to some people, but for me it has not always been.

And that is why I find life good, because everytime I step out of my brain, I see how good it can be and how the psychological realms of the Wheel of Life can reduce us to neurotic, narcissistic, jealous, greedy and grasping personalities, heavily burdened with varying images of the self.

Disgust of Us

I don't usually latch myself onto and become a hard core fan of friends' bands just because I'm friends with them. Groupies scare me. In fact, when I meet someone and they invite me out to one of their shows, I'm incredibly wary because I hope hope hope they don't suck or sound completely boring and typical, leaving me in a quandary as to how to respond. When I first saw my friend Cheryl's band, Disgust of Us, it was in a tiny cramped space with bad sound, and yet I heard something unique. I wasn't crazy over it, to be honest, but I could definitely hear something new and creative and the sense of cynicism was raw. If you didn't leave the show with much, you at least could strongly feel the "disgust." I've known Cheryl and her boyfriend PJ (co-lead guitar and vocals) for a good long while, and our friendship formed parallel to the band's progress. All the while I saw them get better and more confident with their creativity. Even with a bass player switch, they caught up quickly to where they'd been, Laura's skills increasing greatly with every show and Sam getting more precise and crazy (if those two things can happen together!!) all the time. So, to be honest, I formed a friendship with Disgust of Us, too, and have been impressed by their ability to fine tune their cynicism and even bring in some soft, all the while completely immersing themselves in their art every time they play.

They are also a band that has their shit together. Last night, at their record release party, I noticed for the first time this enormous sense of professionalism and entertainment. Cheryl has been able to really think business when it comes to spreading the word, while still keeping it casual and unobtrusive. And they are always expressing gratitude left and right, near and far, for everyone who helps out, shows up, and goes away from a show telling their friends about it.

Art communicates. Perhaps a reason I feel so much closer to C & P (and many others whom I've met through them) is that their music communicates honestly what they think and feel. It is not just a performance; it is also like sitting down with them for a beer (or standing in most cases! :-P) and listening to them discuss what heavies their hearts the most, and that too me, is grounds for bonding with a band as though it in itself is a friend. Please check them out. They have quite the story to tell in their music.

www.disgustofus.com

www.myspace.com/disgustofus

Please share

I keep sitting down at this screen trying to think up something interesting to write about. Truth is, not much interesting going on these days, just trying to stay afloat financially and mentally. I twitch a little when I think of writing down all my frustrations in a blog post, as though it's something unique to talk about, as though millions of people aren't feeling this frustration. But I know I'm not so unique, and I know that I am not alone in how I feel.

I feel unmotivated without a job and as if all my other volunteer activities at times are "optional." I feel I go through much of my life viewing "appointments" and even dates with friends as optional. Part of that may have to do with my social anxiety that every so often comes out to bare its teeth threateningly at me, telling me I'm not likeable, not productive enough, not using my time wisely enough to go share myself with others. Part of it may have to do with being broke the majority of the time, so that when a friend says "let's go grab a pint!" or "let's do dinner!" I regretfully must decline.

It's true that I feel happiest while traveling, while seeing new places and trying new things, but life, I guess, isn't about being happiest, it's about balance. It's about hard work, suffering, awkwardness, discomfort, embarrassment, rejection, but also about elation, excitement, awe, joy, love, comfort, and achievement. In the past I may have had ideas about why life has to necessarily be hard, why it can't just all be a meadow of hippie love, but it's clearer to me now how important balance is. I feel it when I turn down an invite after I've spent a week feeling being unmotivated and unproductive and not leaving the house a great deal. I feel that I don't deserve to reward myself with something fun, because I haven't been doing anything particularly hard other than feeling sorry for myself (and YES that is a particularly hard thing to do, especially when you'd prefer not to and feel like you have no control over feeling that way no matter what).

This is why I have waited so long to post. I was in a very low place for a long time and did not feel I had the perspective to express myself clearly. Believe me, I have typed and deleted a number of words in the past few months, trying to think of what to share, but nothing seems appropriate. I have internalized for too long, losing light of the lives of people I love and how they experience joy and suffering, too.

These moments are always the clearest for me, the moments just after awakening out of my depressed sleep. It is in these moments I have the clearest memory of depression, and also the clearest glimpse of how I may alter it. More important than that, I have the purest motivation and am reassured of my decision to become a school guidance counselor. I recently started my volunteering at Berkeley High School as a Writing Coach and though I was nervous and intimidated before hand, the two sessions I have had so far with two students of very differing abilities have gone much more smoothly than I expected. My coaching can still use some work, and I continue to try different methods, but it was really something to feel as comfortable as I did. The only thing on my mind was putting across the information in a way the students could understand, being patient enough for them to process it, and really just listening. The syntactical part of coaching writing should be as important as just plain listening and nodding and smiling and saying "Thank you for sharing your ideas with me. Please continue to share more."

Obscene remarks

I have been in an absolute piss-ass funk of a mood lately. Excuse my vulgarity, but it's true. While you would have found me during the first half of the year as an easygoing ho-hum girl who liked to take things as they are and not freak out over the details (just read my upbeat and positive early blogs), I'm now finding myself to be frustrated to high heaven and highly irritable by anything that doesn't fit into my structure of "how things are." This is not a new place for me to be. In fact, it was my mood of choice throughout most of high school and my early twenties. So how did I get sucked back into this habit of needing control and things to be done my way? What makes it even worse is that being in this state of mind in turn makes me extremely uncomfortable and I then become even more irritable. Poop.

To make things even more interesting, I'm taking the GRE tomorrow and was a stupid girl and put off studying until mostly the last minute and am frustrated by ridiculously worded math questions. And frustrated with myself for not staying motivated to complete something very important to accomplishing my goals. I told myself when I started this blog I wouldn't have pity party posts, but this mood calls for a freebie. Poop, poop. What would early 2009 Kimberly tell late 2009 Kimberly?

Getting back on the bike

The BLOG bike, that is! Even though I did get back on Mrs. Tibbles (my Specialized Rockhopper) only two days after the big MS bike ride. In fact, surprisingly, Mike and I rode our bikes after arriving by bus (from Lake Sonoma where we finished the ride) back at the start location to BART in San Francisco and then from BART in East Bay to home, a feat I never thought my butt would let me do. Those sit bones were ACHING! I'm also grateful that our fellow teammates, Mike Trumpis and Suzanne Beahrs, who had a car for their own bikes and gear, took our big packs and dropped them at home, thus letting us perform the amazing sore-butt-bone-defying feat free of enormous packs of tent, sleeping bag and accessories.

This past weekend really has been the biggest highlight of the past couple of weeks, particularly because I was so nervous about completing it. I felt less in shape this year than last and I've also been getting over a nasty cold that has left a residual cough. It started raining on Day 2, also, which seemed to exacerbate some of my symptoms. But I proved my worrying to be pointless because not only did I finish just fine (not without a tremendous amount of determination and hardwork though), but also finished the entire 75 miles on Day 1. Last year, we stopped at around 52 or so, riding a SAG vehicle to the overnight. I also had stopped to walk my bike up a couple portions of hills on highway 1 through Muir Woods last year. I really had been disappointed with myself since then and so finishing naturally this year without any car transportation or bike walking really brought the tears of pride early on.

Well enough about the bike ride. I've probably been rambling enough about it on facebook for what seems like forever. But I will just add one more thing. I'm still raising money for another month, so if anyone would still like to donate to a great cause to raise awareness and improve research for multiple sclerosis, then please give me a shout out, or go to the "Bike MS Waves to Wine" box on the left side of my facebook profile. It's really the most amazing event I've participated in to date, honestly, and that's why I can't shut up about it.

In other news, I took a trip to the Pacific Northwest for nearly 3 weeks in August and had such an amazing time, I'm starting to consider moving there again. And before anyone freaks out, let me explain that I'll be moving away anyways if I get into a grad program, and Western Washington is a lot closer than New York. Being in Bellingham again, though, just made me realize how little of that town I actually experienced while there as an 18-19 year old and how I couldn't even tell my friends who drove me up from Seattle where the good beer is! I was quiet, shy, reserved and rather boring when I live there 8 years ago. I worked at Old Navy at the mall and believed that when one wanted books and coffee one goes to Barnes & Noble and Starbucks. I didn't really make any friends other than a few girls I met at the summer camp I'd worked at that first summer living there. I also technically didn't live in Bellingham, but in Deming, thirteen miles east. But there is so much to explore and discover still in this town! I'd really love to experience it again as I am now, a bit more outgoing, more adamant about independent businesses, and definitely a beer drinker.

Portland also requires more exploration and discovery. The only time I really spent in the thick of things was in downtown, around where Powell's is (which is breathtaking and nearly heartstopping, though that may have also been the incredibly rich Voodoo donut I had), and was so polished I nearly forgot I was in a big city. And yet, for a big city, it didn't seem to have many people in it at all. I also took in a Goonies tour out on the coast in Astoria, which, though fun, it was MORE fun to watch the movie again afterwards and cry out, "I was there!" AND there!"

Seattle, as well, is so huge I couldn't possibly see much in just two days. It would certainly be nice to be close to all that jazz. I stayed a night in Redmond with my sister's friend Trevor and wife Lisa and new baby and when Lisa mentioned Snoqualmie Falls (aka Twin Peaks Falls), I immediately knew that we had to go on a Twin Peaks tour. What we couldn't take in that evening, we had to go out again for the next day, and that included the "damn fine cup of coffee" and slice of cherry pie a la mode at Twede's (aka the double R diner) in North Bend. Heavenly!

My brother, Daniel, lives in Seattle, too, when not working for the National Parks. He's working at Mt. Rainier right now and I got to spend a week with him and his girlfriend, Kelsey, up on the mountain. It is beautiful there, if not a little damp. I went for a hike my second day there during which I don't think it stopped raining, drizzling, or misting once. I missed out on spectacular views of the mountain, but all the wetness made the flowers and bushes and trees glimmer like gems, just like these lupine leaves below.

At one point towards the last 3 miles of the hike, a descent on endless switchbacks took me back and forth down an entire hillside of meadow wildflowers. It was a sea of red, yellow, purple and green all dancing under the weight of raindrops. I had to keep stopping just to observe the hectic dance, each flower with its own moves, and listen to the faint static of soft rain. I have to admit, it made me cry just a little to be surrounded by such beauty. That's another reason why I love Washington so much. I actually miss the rain, the damp trees, the rushing rivers, the whispering mist. I remember the first day it snowed. I was upstairs in my room on the computer, and it had been pouring all day, when suddenly it was dead quiet and I knew exactly what had happened. I rushed downstairs and threw open the door and ran out to catch the snowflakes. It didn't stick that day, but I still had to call my mom to share the news. Later in the season, when the snow finally did stick, I remember silent white nights where even with no moon it was bright enough to throw a frisbee around.

Now that I'm home I've been attending classes, looking for a job, and getting ready to volunteer at the high school as a Writing Coach. I'm also still working at the Sleep Lab, though I've only been in one more time after my first shift. Things are a little slow, so here's my shameless plug. If anyone in the Bay Area has or knows of someone that has insomnia and is over 25 years of age, let me know, I'll get you the info to take part in the study! Oh yes, and I'm taking the GRE a week from Saturday. I have not studied much at all, shame on me. But I'm cramming. And with that said, I guess you won't be hearing from me again for AT LEAST a week and a half. ;-)

Unemployment? Ha!

In fact, I have been very employed. After a trip out to the Salton Sea for July 4, then a week in New York (by the way, I really heart New York!!!), I experienced a severe case of internet deficiency syndrome. Fortunately, it was easy (though not so cheap) to remedy, and I am now proud to say "Hi, I'm Kimberly, and I'm a Mac." My sister just stopped in town on her way back to Anaheim and we enjoyed each other's company how we normally do-over lots of food. I am also once again hooked on my computer.

But I've been making good use of that time by arranging my newest travel plans. I will leaving again tomorrow morning for Portland, then Seattle, then Bellingham where I'll hang out with my aunt and uncle and visit my old haunts from when I lived with them after high school for 14 months. Around August 10th, my aunt, uncle, cousin and wife are heading down to Mt. Rainier to camp, but also to drop me off to see my brother, Daniel, who is stationed in Rainier right now as a park ranger, and his girlfriend, Kelsey. While staying with them, I'll take 3 or 4 days to trek out on my first solo backpacking trip. Then I'll head south, hopefully stopping in Portland again, before getting back to Berkeley by the 18th or 19th.

Classes start the 20th! And it will be on to volunteering at Berkeley High and studying hard for the GRE, training up for the Bike MS: Waves to Wine 2009 ride (having trouble getting donations, please let me know if you're interested), and, of course, continuing the job hunt. I don't know if I really want one anymore, though. I feel like I am contributing more to society with what I'm doing now, and as a result am a happier, healthier citizen as well, than I was before. If you feel otherwise, please let me know. Maybe I can contribute to your cause as well.

One door closed. Two open?

Where do I even start? I've gotten a bit behind on the updates. Well, I had an interview (my first since starting to look for a job) at the Seneca Center last week and received a letter this week informing me I would not be getting a second interview. Seneca Center is a therapy center that provides unconditional support for emotionally disturbed children and their families. These kids can be pretty aggressive and inconsistent because they haven't received consistent nurture and instead have learned not to trust anyone. I am not too disappointed that I won't be working there, but not because of the kids! I am happy that I pursued it and was prepared for taking on this kind of challenge, but I also may have been getting in over my head. I haven't worked in direct contact with children for 7 years, and even then they were well behaved and not emotionally disturbed. I have the heart, I just don't have the experience. In fact, I was feeling nervous, worried, doubtful and anxious about being offered a position, or rather, about being able to do the job, so maybe this is a path I'm not ready to go down yet. Someday, though, I really hope to help kids who either fit into this "emotionally disturbed" category or have learning disabilities because I believe behavior does not make the person and is not permanent. It is something we learn, and something we can unlearn and relearn.

And so, in response to the overwhelming nature of my last job pursuit, I have an interview on Monday at the very UC Berkeley Sleep Lab where I just started as a volunteer research assistant. Apparently, they are in dire need of a Project Coordinator, a position that entails a lot of what I do now and uses a lot of the skills I've developed at Apress. Plus, it's in the Psychology department and I'd be working closely with volunteers, research subjects and Psych department staff and faculty! I could also audit Psych classes on campus during my lunch hours. I will hopefully find out Monday how flexible my hours could be, as well, to find out if I would still be able to volunteer at Berkeley High School and take a day class or two at Berkeley City College. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but...fingers crossed!

I also submitted an application to Half Price Books in downtown Berkeley for some inane reason. No, I know the reason. I LOVE BOOKS! And I know how to work in a bookstore so I need hardly any training. I figure that if the Sleep Lab gig doesn't work and this does, the position is full time, provides full benefits, and I most likely would have a more flexible schedule to do all the previously said things about classes and volunteering.

This is my last weekend as an Apress employee. It is bittersweet, but I am ready for this era to be over. Just four more days suckers!