I haven't done this whole blogging thing for a good long while and I may be rusty. The nature of this post may also be a bit jarring and out of the blue since I haven't been updating on all the good things happening around me. Just be warned, it's not the happiest of topics, but I at least am feeling more upbeat now than yesterday when I was going through it all.
I hit rock bottom yesterday. And for no particularly good reason. It is always hard for me to admit this and share, but here I am doing so. Not for attention, not for sympathy, but to just let it be known that depression is a real illness that sometimes locks you so deep somewhere there is just no reasonable solution. Although sometimes I wish it really was as easy as the Bob Newhart "Stop it!" skit on MadTV. You must look it up! I fail at posting links apparently. :)
It's so embarrassing to be sad and not have anything to respond to the question "what is it?" I feel like if I knew what it was, I probably wouldn't be in this much despair. It's also embarrassing to call in sick to work and then be asked about what bug you had the next day. Other people take a mental health day and go shoe shopping. I stay home and cry. And then I cry over the fact that I'm crying for no reason and then it escalates. I feel like a child at these moments. Part of me embraces the child, yet another part wonders what I am acting like one for. And in the end, I have no new shoes to show for my mental health day!
I'm feeling really vulnerable by posting this, so please don't come at me with all the things I should be doing or should have done for myself. I'm still processing it all and took today to simply mellow out and be mildly productive-I swept the upstairs, made some tea and looked out at the bay, left for work early and sat down by the lake for half an hour, I listened to my good friend talk about her own troubles, and answered each phone call at the store with at least one deep breath, two if I could fit them in. Not once did I get overly irritated with customers. And I had soup for lunch to round the whole day out.
And so I'm going to finish off with all the good things you've been missing out on this past year (and apparently I forgot about yesterday): My brother got married in September! My other brother, sister and I were all in the wedding and it set so many good familial feelings in motion that my sister and I planned a big Thanksgiving dinner and invited nearly twenty-something of our family members and honorary family members (thank goodness only 18 of them could come!) which we have not done in, literally, ages. Andy came and met my family for that and they really like him! Not surprising, he's very likeable. :) We also went out to Balboa Island to search for the Arrested Development Banana Stand and other geeky A.D. filming spots. We are pretty certain we played air hockey in the arcade where Gob gets distracted by a claw machine.
Andy and I had our milestone one year anniversary in December, although come to think of it, we didn't really do anything special other than hang out with his friends who were in town, but come Valentine's Day he did give me a Claddagh ring with an emerald set in it (because my favorite color is green, he says, and he is right!). I had just come down with a nasty flu that afternoon, and so as he was getting me set up in bed with a bit of ginger ale and I was loopy from the Nyquil, he pulls out the gift he'd been trying to give me all day. I was so tired, sick and miserable that I broke out in tears of joy. "Really, it's not much and it might make your finger fall off.." he said. I remarked (or maybe slurred) "Well, we'll just have to find out because I'm not taking it off!" My finger is still quite intact!
This past June we moved into a new house with a spectacular view and lots of space-a great deck to hang out on, Andy just planted a small trial garden, and I have my own office with an extra desk so I can work on my collages. Right in the middle of the move, Andy and I finally headed out to Kansas City, MO to meet HIS family (sans sister), and I think they like me? I hope! I get a lot of good vibes (aka texts and gifts and all sorts of fun things :)) from his mom and sister, so I think that's a good sign. We had a really nice time out there seeing fountains and soccer and columns and consuming bbq and fried things and beer. And at last Andy's sister came to visit us during our housewarming party and my birthday which was really a treat since I still hadn't met her until then! It's too bad she can't stay with us all summer.
And then just a few days ago I was able to catch up with an old friend over sushi, bottomless sake, and some karaoke, and I had a really nice time with her. So, lots of nice, great things have happened too. Lots of big important things! So why all the sad? Maybe it's all this transitioning and new things that got to me somewhere in that bizarre brain of mine, but I have good reason to acknowledge how fortunate I am, how loved, how cared for, and whenever I am capable I'd like to help make that true for others.
