Keep on keeping on

This is a year of change (as if any other year isn't?), of new experiences, of terrible ones, of terribly exciting ones; of new and old, sad and joyous. This is the year I change into myself, exchanging potential for reality; for being who my being is; for confronting demons within. Authenticity is not declaring others less authentic than you. Let's keep working. Let's keep trying to be decent, but fair. Let's maintain personal boundaries, but break down barriers. Let's keep cultivating compassion and understanding. Let's not be petty and instead call out pettiness when we see it. Let's cultivate honesty, not necessarily common ground. Let's be honest and responsible with our anger and not blame one another. And if we still fail, let us forgive ourselves for being human. Let's be impressed with ourselves and take pride in coming this far.

Transitions

This is how it goes. You have anxiety out in public, so you don’t go out in public, because you start anticipating the anxiety before you’re even out in public. So you stay home. And you’re by yourself. And even though you’ve completed a year of therapy and continue to go, to help this transition go more smoothly, you start telling yourself things you promised to never say anymore. You’re not good enough. You’re lazy. You’re fat. You snack too much. You aren’t productive enough. You have too much anxiety to get anything done. People don’t like you. People think you are weird. Your friends are just friends with you out of convenience. And these things start to become true to you. And it makes you sad, so you make them truer. I wish I could just tell myself, “you’re you, you’re different, and it doesn’t matter why, it matters what you do with that.”

No wonder babies cry so much!

I have so much to say! Really! But I lack the energy to get it all out here. Maybe another day, another post, I can really dig into the things that have been on my mind lately, but I come home from my retail job exhausted, sometimes brain dead. Or even better, I need to get started on my part time work right away. Even with all my wordy abilities, when I am exhausted I lose all articulation and patience with myself and just want to cry! Not necessarily because I am SOOO sad, but because I can't get anything else out! No wonder babies cry so much. They haven't learned spoken or written language yet and can't get anything else out than crying.

So I'm poking out my little exhausted, inarticulate head to just say that I want to say things. That I'm here and I think about my blog every day. I think about things to write about every day on my way to work, and by the time I get home, I just can't do it. So I watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Andy, or we play a game, or I read news and other people's blogs on my computer. Yes my life is so exciting, I am too overwhelmed to write about it! Hehe.

Well, it is indeed exciting, because 2012 marks more or less the beginning of my third year with a wonderful man, and promises a lot of new growth and progress on the emotional front. With mental health and finances on the mend, I look forward to what I will learn about myself, my passions, and what I am truly capable of!