I went to the woods to work deliberately

About a month ago, something very exciting happened to me. I was offered a part-time temporary position at a very popular independent new and used bookstore in Oakland, Walden Pond (we just won best bookstore 2010 in the East Bay Express!). This part-time temporary work was to be my foot in the door, to possibly acquire more hours and shifts in the future if I seemed to prove myself worthy. What was supposed to start out as a temporary gig two times a week, became in no time a nearly full-time job. I guess I proved myself? I'm pretty certain my entire body is not even in the door but far past it. And I'm really enjoying being a bookish nerd again, taking charge over the used fiction section, and having such a variety of projects going on at all times. Motivation to read has increased enormously, my list is growing yet again, and I find myself reading til I zonk out, something I haven't really done in awhile.

In the style of Nick Hornby's Polysyllabic Spree, the books I have recently finished, am in the middle of, and recently picked up are as follows.

Recently finished:
Herself in Love by Marianne Wiggins: Short stories focusing on mundane existence reminiscent of Raymond Carver, but far less sparse syntax. Each was better than the one before it, particularly "Insomnia" and the title story "Herself in Love".

The Effects of Living Backwards by Heidi Julavits: A satirical look at a post 9-11 reality in which plane hijacking preparedness is protocol was sadly disappointing. It feels like it could be Nabokov kind of cool, but really goes nowhere with its point other than to point out that people don't change.

Working on:
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers: Figured it is about time I read this classic! So far it is an intriguing character driven story that explores human behavior.

What is an Emotion? Classic Readings in Philosophical Psychology edited by Cheshire Calhoun & Robert C. Solomon: Bought this in Portland LAST AUGUST and finally cracked it open a number of months ago. The Introduction is hefty and I'm nearly finished just with it.

The Kiterunner by Khaled Hosseini: Chose this for a book club because the last tutoring session at the high school was on this book, it has been on the NY times bestseller list for at least 4 years, and we had a lot of copies at Walden Pond. Only a few chapters in and we're meeting on Saturday to decide when to finish it. It's told from the perspective of a man living in San Francisco who grew up in Afghanistan about what he experienced in the way of class and racism. At least, that's what I gather so far in a few chapters.

Coming up:
The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
Magister Ludi (or The Glass Bead Game) by Hermann Hesse
To See You Again by Alice Adams
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

The irony zoomed past me as I got tunes from "The Little Mermaid" stuck in my head the night before Andy and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Contemplating our afternoon later on Friday out on the sunny, breezy oceanside deck of the aquarium, I ashamedly realized the significance. I had just seen some sebastians, flounders, scuttles, and flotsam and jetsam, too. Coming to the end of my list, I demanded to see some mermaids. And maybe a sea witch or something. Yeah, that would complete the afternoon. But seriously, all in all, we saw a lot of creatures. A lot. From tiny to enormous, smooth to roughly crusted, furry to spiky, leafy, squishy, gooey and, of course, fishy, I felt oddly like these creatures were putting things into perspective for me. It's not just the diversity that is beautiful. As Andy I sat watching the kelp forest tank, he remarked on how some of the fish were content to remain still and float and drift with the movement of the water back and forth in unison with the seaweed. The sea dragons and sea horses had the same lethargic looking inertia to them, horses hooked onto thin grasses just bob bob bobbing in currents while the leaf looking dragons just afloat and drifting, sometimes even bumping into each other, their appendages blending and getting lost together. The jelly fish also seem to drift, pulsing through a serene starless space with only existence on the "nerve net," the closest jelly fish equivalent to a brain (jelly fish also don't have a central nervous system). A crotchety looking bittern seen in the flamingo exhibit didn't move from his sagely perch in the 3 or so hours between our first and second viewings, and the giant octopi remained wedged between rock and glass as long as possible. On the other hand, there were also frenetic seeming small fishes darting back and forth, like the schools of sardines that, flashing and glinting as a large united body of individuals, followed an unseen path through the open waters between hammerhead sharks, dolphinfish, tuna, and also barracuda that were all too interested, every once in awhile scaring the body and inciting an explosion of sparkling fishes in multiple directions before they reconvened into their tight-knit defenses. And the Magellanic penguins "flying" beneath the surface rarely paused long enough for a decent picture. They were awfully cute though. In another category entirely, the sea otters reminded us of their mammalian nature, seeming to play in their grooming practices, floating on backs and pulling their hind flippers up to their tummy almost in a fetal position. Though it looked like a cozy and safe way to curl up, they were actually keeping their poorly insulated feetsies from getting too cold in the water.

I think it is clear I got a lot out of our day at the aquarium. It reminded me of the stresses I tend to put myself through without really needing to, the things I complicate my life with that are more just games my mind plays with itself than efforts toward growth and productivity. And isn't that what is driving these creatures in some way? Or at least, that is what we ourselves are interested in learning about them. We learn the basics: development from birth to adulthood, what they eat, how they defend themselves (or hunt), and how they reproduce. Surely these are the basics to all life, and not just what we as humans think are important. In a metaphorical sense, growth and productivity are also immensely important to being viewed as successful. And so I ask myself, am I successful?

Sure played a mean pinball

For Andy's birthday, I drove him, his roommate and a couple friends from his cohort--and myself of course--out to a pinball museum last night in Alameda and as the majority of the games there are playable (90 to be exact), we had a blast playing all the machines for two and a half hours. I suspect Andy would have stayed much much longer if it hadn't been closing time. I never imagined how addictive pinball could be! It's especially so when you start on the 2-3 player friendly machines and get into a competitive groove. And it's especially so when the Indiana Jones themed game has a gun for the ball launcher which you pull the trigger on to "shoot" the ball!! Anyway, tell your friends and tell your family if you decide to go. Then they will know where to find you when you go missing.

I mentioned recently that I was most likely taking the GRE again (graduate record examination) and was thinking of changing my focus somewhat from school counseling to psychology research. I feel pretty good about it now. If I take it slow, I feel I will be able to transition through all the stages of the process more readily, whereas in the past, even with simple projects, I sometimes rushed myself out of excitement and enthusiasm and then lost steam or got discouraged when things were changing too quickly or not quickly enough.

Anyhow, I believe the coming of spring has been an enormously uplifting event for me. New births, new life, new outlook. Peace for now.

Spring fun in the sun

My friend in New York can attest to the importance of sun. He feels it during the winter when it snows for days and 20 minutes of sun brings the whole neighborhood outdoors to walk the dog, grocery shop or just shoot the shit at the corner bodega. Perhaps that is why my winter New York trip was not as enjoyable as the hot humid and sunny July trip. He says he feels like his body gulps up every bit of sun it can, when it is out of course, to make up for long days of clouds and snow.

He must think we're spoiled out here in the Bay Area right now, what with our days and days of sun, spoiled only by a few days and nights of pouring rain. As soon as the good weather started showing its face, I started going down to Cesar Chavez Park by the Berkeley Marina for a good walk in the sun and a gorgeous view of the bay nearly every day. Many of you know already that I've been driving around an advertising car and the parking lot there seems perfect for some face time. It turns out the park is perfect for me to get some face time, too, but with sunshine!

Being in the sun, but I think more specifically being out in the park, walking the mellow hills and gazing out across the bay, has really lifted my spirits. I'm somewhat slow at times with thinking through options and deciding which direction to head next in life, and the walks have helped me take the time to focus on these moments. A few of my next steps include finding a job since unemployment is probably up in July (I have a few leads and am crossing fingers), taking the GRE again to attempt more impressive scores (I think completely doable as I didn't study much last time and still received average), and trying to utilize my extra time as best I can. I think the new school plan may be to apply next year to school psychology programs next year. My passion for helping direct students may be better used in research or as a school psychologist.

I'm looking forward for more great weather, but a rainy day inside here and there isn't so bad either. It's a good excuse to get a lot of reading done.

Driving in spirals

I've been told I run hot and cold, though, I doubt I need to be told this. I feel it. I feel the two extremes as I transition between them, though there is not even much of a transition. Just giant steps from one to the other. I have known for awhile that I periodically experience intense sadness and can't help but get caught in the downward spiral. Others can probably tell you that they end up feeling the affects of these experiences, too. I call them depressive episodes, though they are not clinically diagnosed. I have experienced enough of these at this point that I have learned to not be fatalistic about my heavy state. The cloud will lift again and I will experience an incredible new-found sense of purpose and industry. My awareness of my emotional states lead me to question whether I am not addicted to specific strong emotions that I strategize my behavior to produce them.

Introspection aside, there are possibly a lot of interesting stories to share, but I may save them for later. Mostly weighing on my mind is grad school. The one school I really want to go to did not accept me and after thinking about it some more, I realized I don't want to go to either of the other two. This realization led me to think about why I only wanted to go to Western, which turns out to probably be the location. I think I have lost steam on what I want to study, though partly because I have picked up a part time job and have been committing more of my time to that. A year ago, I was so certain, but now I have grown tired and weary of my progress. I still will study Psychology in some form, but for now I may have to focus on acquiring some income to pay off loans and bills. Next year I plan to try again, perhaps to study School or Educational Psych. Purpose and industry continue to dart around the corners out of sight.

Also, an announcement: If anyone in the Bay Area needs to run some errands with a vehicle or be driven somewhere during the week, I can help out. 714-595-1024

I am les sad

There isn't much more to say. I suppose I can think of reasons, but they just all mingle together and I can't keep them straight. Plus, I'd like to be sad without a reason. I want to be allowed an emotion without a specific reason. Just sad is all.

Whirlwind month

As if January didn't have enough excitement, February comes bounding in with a bang. The month went by so fast, and yet, I can't believe it's only been a month! I feel like all the things I have accomplished and started doing couldn't possibly all fit into one month. That middle school writing assessment scoring session when I first asked the teachers where they needed volunteer support and that because of I'm now a teacher's assistant in a middle school ELD class? Yeah, that was still in January, along with asking the Berkeley School Volunteers coordinator about volunteering in the counseling center at Berkeley High, emailing the counselor, not getting a response, walking in to see her, and immediately establishing the times I am to come in every week. And did I really look at 9 rooms for rent in the span of one week? Yes, I did, and in the rain, too. And only one week later found a place that has accepted me. It is also hard to imagine that in one month I completed the entire process of applying to three graduate programs in school counseling, two of which I didn't decide on until a day before handing off the letter of recommendation forms (I might add that I also managed to lose one and find two more people of reference this month, too).

I'm also sitting in on a couple of the best classes I have ever taken at Cal. I was never this excited about any of my English classes, which makes me a little sad that I wasn't a Psych major after all, but I can't ignore all the really cool people I met through being an English major, too. I'm happy for how my life has gone, but I wish I had a better idea that the human mind is my passion, and not literature (no dis on lit though! I still love a good read). The Clinical Psych class I am auditing is taught by Allison Harvey whose sleep lab I work in. She is an amazing lecturer and it was really great to finally meet her this afternoon after all this time working in the lab. The other class, Psych of Personality, is taught by another person from the lab, the postdoc, who I've met a few times before and embarrassingly forgot he was a postdoc and asked if he was a GSI (graduate student instructor) for the class, to which he responded with a chuckle that no, he was teaching it!

Oh and somewhere I have found room to socialize. My friend Andy and his roommate Rachel are getting a CSA box every week of local farm fresh fruit and veggies, and I have been included in brainstorming and cooking dinners every Thursday night (and sometimes Friday, and sometimes Sunday, and the occasional Tuesday...there are a lot of vegetables) as well as writing for the new blog Andy set up. We are skeptical as to whether it will be interesting or if anyone will read it, but if you are interested, it is beyondthekale.net. He also lives over by a climbing gym that is predominately for bouldering and also has $5 Fridays for students! I've really been enjoying myself and my very own shoes should be arriving in the mail soon. There have also been a number of parties, including a late christmas party, an afternoon tea, a picnic movie night, and my friend Suzanne's dance show (woo!).

Yes, I know I basically just rattled off my calendar, but it feels like a lot has happened since I got back from New York on the 5th. A lot of things are changing in my life, and you know what? I don't feel anxious about any of them. In fact, I'm very excited to find out whether I will be moving away for grad school in August (and where to!) or if I'll be staying another year in Berkeley, tutoring and volunteering and learning so much still. I'm excited to be moving in with a few very nice people (fellow Cancers too!) and their very sweet doggies and a kitchen (no more hot plate!!). I am excited for more dinners, climbing, watching friends in various artistic endeavors and moving forward ever forward. Hurray for 2010! My friend Jesse said he felt like this would be a good year, and right now I'd have to agree.

What's that noise?

The other day when it was raining, I was listening to the rain drip various places on the outside of my house when I heard a huge commotion underneath one of the west facing windows. There is a pipe or vent of some sort there and I thought perhaps a huge amount of water dumped out from somewhere above onto it, so I left it at that. Today, while it was raining, I heard the same type of commotion and decided to check it out. A squirrel was in the rosebush! And then he plucked off a rose hip and started noshing on it. What a cutie.

He decided to finish his meal at the dinner table. Hey look over here!

January gloom with a cut-out paper sun

Hello Berkeley of twenty-ten! It's nice to meet you. I just got in from New York yesterday evening and boy was I teary-eyed to see the lights (and darkness) of the bay during descent. This really is my town. I feel a connection to it that I don't anywhere else. That could be because all my stuff is here and I have a place to be where I am cozy and can ignore things when I want to ignore them or go out and enjoy when I want to enjoy. I do miss having a cat on my lap though.

Though I've spent the last couple of weeks in melancholia, I'm grateful for a time to mellow out. I've been overanalyzing the simplest things and now that I'm writing my personal statement, all the cynicism is coming through. I'm worried my paper sounds like a train wreck where everyone died. That's sure to get me into grad school. I feel inconsistent and rambling, as though I am trying to muster up clear answers, but I don't have them, making the answers I give not really what I mean and not exactly coherent either.

Maybe I really am cynical by nature. Last year I was feeling so positive and jubilant and had so much to talk about. Now I am once again stuck in abstract-land (which by the way doesn't have nearly cool enough roller coasters) just running in circles inside my head.

I want to do more activities this year. Please, if anyone wants to go jogging, hiking, exploring, lunching, and the like, let me know. Sometimes I'm horrible at conversation, but it's still nice to have someone to do these things with.