Where do I even start? I've gotten a bit behind on the updates. Well, I had an interview (my first since starting to look for a job) at the Seneca Center last week and received a letter this week informing me I would not be getting a second interview. Seneca Center is a therapy center that provides unconditional support for emotionally disturbed children and their families. These kids can be pretty aggressive and inconsistent because they haven't received consistent nurture and instead have learned not to trust anyone. I am not too disappointed that I won't be working there, but not because of the kids! I am happy that I pursued it and was prepared for taking on this kind of challenge, but I also may have been getting in over my head. I haven't worked in direct contact with children for 7 years, and even then they were well behaved and not emotionally disturbed. I have the heart, I just don't have the experience. In fact, I was feeling nervous, worried, doubtful and anxious about being offered a position, or rather, about being able to do the job, so maybe this is a path I'm not ready to go down yet. Someday, though, I really hope to help kids who either fit into this "emotionally disturbed" category or have learning disabilities because I believe behavior does not make the person and is not permanent. It is something we learn, and something we can unlearn and relearn.
And so, in response to the overwhelming nature of my last job pursuit, I have an interview on Monday at the very UC Berkeley Sleep Lab where I just started as a volunteer research assistant. Apparently, they are in dire need of a Project Coordinator, a position that entails a lot of what I do now and uses a lot of the skills I've developed at Apress. Plus, it's in the Psychology department and I'd be working closely with volunteers, research subjects and Psych department staff and faculty! I could also audit Psych classes on campus during my lunch hours. I will hopefully find out Monday how flexible my hours could be, as well, to find out if I would still be able to volunteer at Berkeley High School and take a day class or two at Berkeley City College. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but...fingers crossed!
I also submitted an application to Half Price Books in downtown Berkeley for some inane reason. No, I know the reason. I LOVE BOOKS! And I know how to work in a bookstore so I need hardly any training. I figure that if the Sleep Lab gig doesn't work and this does, the position is full time, provides full benefits, and I most likely would have a more flexible schedule to do all the previously said things about classes and volunteering.
This is my last weekend as an Apress employee. It is bittersweet, but I am ready for this era to be over. Just four more days suckers!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Life is good
I don't have any specific reasons for why life is good, but I forget sometimes that I'm healthy, more or less content, and have the freedom to do a lot of what I want. If I end up suffering emotionally, it's probably due to my perspective and not because I "have it rough." I saw a bumper sticker one day while running. It said, "Don't change the way you look; change the way you see."
Monday, June 15, 2009
Dreams
I had an endless line up of dreams last night all the way up to my alarm. Okay, actually all the way past two snoozes, then turning it off completely, and getting up for work an hour and a half late. It was like ABC's TGIF night, but without ordering pizza.
Every so often, I have these "slews" of dreams, and they usually are what makes me late in the morning. I just have to see what happens next! And of course, most of the time, if I try to fall back asleep to conclude the previous dream, I end up having an entirely new one that I absolutely have to find out what happens next in. I think that might be a result of my dreams tending to be about me A) trying frantically to find something in a very disorganized room, B) searching for or running from someone in a building with maze-like hallways and staircases, or C) having some sort of social interaction in which something needs to be resolved between me and the person. This makes absolute sense, because if I were doing any of those things in real life, you better believe I'm going to be late for work. :-P
The most prominent dream came right before I woke up the first time, probably shortly before my alarm went off. I was walking down the street with a group of friends that included my brother's girlfriend, Emelia. We saw a short distance away a woman in her late forties or so close to tears and clutching a watering can. Some people in our group started to make jokes about why and then turned down another street, but I hung around and Emelia stayed with me. I walked over to the woman and asked her, "Are you okay? Is there anything I can get you? Soup or soda? Anything?" She said it was awfully kind of me and that she could really go for a charbroiled something or other (I can't quite remember). I said I'd go get that for her, but before leaving I asked her if she wouldn't mind telling me what was going on. Clutching the can even more tightly, she said she just lost her husband and the service was going on inside the building she was facing. She started bawling so I just wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could, and as she buried her face in my shoulder, she sobbed and rambled and mumbled and sniffled. I thanked her for sharing and then, and this is the part that I can't figure out, I took a drink from her watering can. I said I would be right back with, and I had to ask what she wanted again, a charbroiled something or other, but she said I didn't need to do that, but that it was awfully kind of me to offer. We looked at each other, I offered another hug which she accepted, and after a few moments she quickly turned to leave, sans watering can. I went back to Emelia, who had watched the whole thing, and she said, "She is sooooo pissed at you for getting her to open up to someone." I looked back and the woman was nearly 25 years younger and was just linking arms with a young guy and they walked off together. I told Emelia, "Maybe she is pissed now because she doesn't want that guy to see her upset, but she was not pissed just now in the moment."
I've been told that the best way to interpret dreams is to see every aspect of the dream as an aspect of yourself. And that aspect could be anything from external information you have taken in from movies and other media or walking down the street or being with friends to internal thoughts and opinions and interpretations about those experiences. For instance, if you see your friend, Charlie, it could represent not just Charlie, but all your own thoughts, memories, and opinions about Charlie and what Charlie means to you. The last time I interpreted a dream that way, it was a very intense, violent, and graphic dream (let me know if you want to hear about that one-the teaser is giving birth out of my thigh), and once I made the self-centric interpretation, I felt it made a lot of sense and was less scary. This dream wasn't scary, just a new topic for me. I don't know that I've made many empathetic approaches to people in need in my dreams, at least not on this scale.
My best conclusion is that the dream symbolizes my recent developments in emotional intelligence, an area I have been experiencing difficulty in for a number of years. (I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, but for context, Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, explains that "emotional intelligence is the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.") If I view every aspect of the dream as an aspect of myself, I think my dream expresses my growing capacity to manage feelings, and for the following reasons. First, I approached the woman, or myself in this sad state, regardless of other friends making jokes about her; they represent my own negative thoughts about whether or not this is an acceptable state to be in or whether I have a good reason to be sad or not. Secondly, I offered her soup or soda, something that might take care of her physical needs. People in extreme emotional states can forget about hunger, thirst and tiredness while getting caught up in their mind. I also offered her consolation in the form of a hug and allowed her to let out tears and words, even if I couldn't understand them. This allowed the feelings to just be, instead of trying to make logical sense of them. The watering can that she clutches to so tightly must be the ability to heal or grow, which she has at hand but hasn't used yet. I end up personally drinking from it, possibly to draw the connection that my healing is her healing. She has lost her husband. I take this to represent the many things coming to an end in my life right now, particularly my job, that I have not yet mourned over completely, though others around me are doing so and moving on. Once I gave myself consolement and support and drank the healing elixir (that makes me laugh just typing it-see? I laugh at myself a lot :-P) , I move on, even look 20-25 years younger, which from late forties is about my age now. Emelia, who is present I think because she has qualities I admire and wish to emulate, because we have been "studying" similar topics as of late, and I also know her to be a supportive companion, asked a question that reveals my self-doubt and fear in offering such empathy to a stranger, that they would not appreciate it. I respond with confidence that I remember the minute before when she was sincerely bawling her eyes out and mumbling into my shoulder, and I know she is grateful, content, and able to move on.
My other dreams consisted of a Cylon staircase chase, a pink sweet sixteen dress with attached necktie, roller coaster amusement park parking lot tram, a plastic bowl of leftover thai coconut soup, and a few others whose details have blurred into oblivion. Needless to say, they were not as revealing as this one.
Every so often, I have these "slews" of dreams, and they usually are what makes me late in the morning. I just have to see what happens next! And of course, most of the time, if I try to fall back asleep to conclude the previous dream, I end up having an entirely new one that I absolutely have to find out what happens next in. I think that might be a result of my dreams tending to be about me A) trying frantically to find something in a very disorganized room, B) searching for or running from someone in a building with maze-like hallways and staircases, or C) having some sort of social interaction in which something needs to be resolved between me and the person. This makes absolute sense, because if I were doing any of those things in real life, you better believe I'm going to be late for work. :-P
The most prominent dream came right before I woke up the first time, probably shortly before my alarm went off. I was walking down the street with a group of friends that included my brother's girlfriend, Emelia. We saw a short distance away a woman in her late forties or so close to tears and clutching a watering can. Some people in our group started to make jokes about why and then turned down another street, but I hung around and Emelia stayed with me. I walked over to the woman and asked her, "Are you okay? Is there anything I can get you? Soup or soda? Anything?" She said it was awfully kind of me and that she could really go for a charbroiled something or other (I can't quite remember). I said I'd go get that for her, but before leaving I asked her if she wouldn't mind telling me what was going on. Clutching the can even more tightly, she said she just lost her husband and the service was going on inside the building she was facing. She started bawling so I just wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could, and as she buried her face in my shoulder, she sobbed and rambled and mumbled and sniffled. I thanked her for sharing and then, and this is the part that I can't figure out, I took a drink from her watering can. I said I would be right back with, and I had to ask what she wanted again, a charbroiled something or other, but she said I didn't need to do that, but that it was awfully kind of me to offer. We looked at each other, I offered another hug which she accepted, and after a few moments she quickly turned to leave, sans watering can. I went back to Emelia, who had watched the whole thing, and she said, "She is sooooo pissed at you for getting her to open up to someone." I looked back and the woman was nearly 25 years younger and was just linking arms with a young guy and they walked off together. I told Emelia, "Maybe she is pissed now because she doesn't want that guy to see her upset, but she was not pissed just now in the moment."
I've been told that the best way to interpret dreams is to see every aspect of the dream as an aspect of yourself. And that aspect could be anything from external information you have taken in from movies and other media or walking down the street or being with friends to internal thoughts and opinions and interpretations about those experiences. For instance, if you see your friend, Charlie, it could represent not just Charlie, but all your own thoughts, memories, and opinions about Charlie and what Charlie means to you. The last time I interpreted a dream that way, it was a very intense, violent, and graphic dream (let me know if you want to hear about that one-the teaser is giving birth out of my thigh), and once I made the self-centric interpretation, I felt it made a lot of sense and was less scary. This dream wasn't scary, just a new topic for me. I don't know that I've made many empathetic approaches to people in need in my dreams, at least not on this scale.
My best conclusion is that the dream symbolizes my recent developments in emotional intelligence, an area I have been experiencing difficulty in for a number of years. (I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, but for context, Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, explains that "emotional intelligence is the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.") If I view every aspect of the dream as an aspect of myself, I think my dream expresses my growing capacity to manage feelings, and for the following reasons. First, I approached the woman, or myself in this sad state, regardless of other friends making jokes about her; they represent my own negative thoughts about whether or not this is an acceptable state to be in or whether I have a good reason to be sad or not. Secondly, I offered her soup or soda, something that might take care of her physical needs. People in extreme emotional states can forget about hunger, thirst and tiredness while getting caught up in their mind. I also offered her consolation in the form of a hug and allowed her to let out tears and words, even if I couldn't understand them. This allowed the feelings to just be, instead of trying to make logical sense of them. The watering can that she clutches to so tightly must be the ability to heal or grow, which she has at hand but hasn't used yet. I end up personally drinking from it, possibly to draw the connection that my healing is her healing. She has lost her husband. I take this to represent the many things coming to an end in my life right now, particularly my job, that I have not yet mourned over completely, though others around me are doing so and moving on. Once I gave myself consolement and support and drank the healing elixir (that makes me laugh just typing it-see? I laugh at myself a lot :-P) , I move on, even look 20-25 years younger, which from late forties is about my age now. Emelia, who is present I think because she has qualities I admire and wish to emulate, because we have been "studying" similar topics as of late, and I also know her to be a supportive companion, asked a question that reveals my self-doubt and fear in offering such empathy to a stranger, that they would not appreciate it. I respond with confidence that I remember the minute before when she was sincerely bawling her eyes out and mumbling into my shoulder, and I know she is grateful, content, and able to move on.
My other dreams consisted of a Cylon staircase chase, a pink sweet sixteen dress with attached necktie, roller coaster amusement park parking lot tram, a plastic bowl of leftover thai coconut soup, and a few others whose details have blurred into oblivion. Needless to say, they were not as revealing as this one.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A few positive updates
I'm very glad for some of the work I did today and some of the news I received because yesterday was my lowest of lows in a long while. I stayed home from work. I did nothing. I stared at the ceiling. Then I stared at the carpet. Then I decided I should hang up my towel and get dressed. And yes, I realize those two sentences are oddly placed together, but no, that's not what I meant. I actually stared at the carpet. on my floor. After getting dressed, I turned on the computer and stared at it. I watched some Daily Show episodes on Hulu. Then I watched some Twin Peaks episodes. And then I fell asleep for three hours. Bored yet? I'm getting to the good stuff, just hold steady. But yeah, let's just say MENTAL HEALTH DAY FTW.
Earlier this week, on Tuesday, I went to a New Volunteer Orientation for the Berkeley School District and I have hopes to be placed in a program this Fall, either as a writing coach with high school students or in special ed. A guy at my work also put me in touch with his wife, who works at a high school in the bay area with kids who have behavioral and learning disabilities, so there is a chance I could volunteer there, too. How that will end up fitting with any 9-5 job I might get in the meantime, I'm not sure, but as for now I'm going to ignore high hopes of a job and just let things go as they go.
Speaking of a JOB, today I received a call from one of the places I applied to a couple weeks ago, and now I have an interview next week! I guess I just have to go out and buy some interview clothes (right, Emelia?). I'm pretty stoked about the interview because this is the job I've been most interested in. I won't go into too much, but it's a therapy center that works with emotionally troubled kids in their own environments-school, home, recreation, you name it.
I am also scheduled next week for my very first Research Assistant shift at the Harvey Sleep and Psychological Disorders Lab on UC Berkeley campus, a volunteer position I mention in my second or third post.
Just the perfect little blossom of good stuff to "turn that frown upside down" and help me feel once again that progress is underway. My horoscope today (which I swear I can't avoid because it's dead center of my google home page :-P) says,
"You may feel conflicted today because your goals don't seem practical enough. You have a strong desire to increase the amount of meaning in your life now, but the options to do this are not necessarily supported by your current job. Unfortunately, you cannot just walk away, for you have financial obligations that must be met. Don't get discouraged if you have to continue on your present path for a while longer; your time for change will come."
I don't need a horoscope to tell me that! But yeah, it is encouraging.
Earlier this week, on Tuesday, I went to a New Volunteer Orientation for the Berkeley School District and I have hopes to be placed in a program this Fall, either as a writing coach with high school students or in special ed. A guy at my work also put me in touch with his wife, who works at a high school in the bay area with kids who have behavioral and learning disabilities, so there is a chance I could volunteer there, too. How that will end up fitting with any 9-5 job I might get in the meantime, I'm not sure, but as for now I'm going to ignore high hopes of a job and just let things go as they go.
Speaking of a JOB, today I received a call from one of the places I applied to a couple weeks ago, and now I have an interview next week! I guess I just have to go out and buy some interview clothes (right, Emelia?). I'm pretty stoked about the interview because this is the job I've been most interested in. I won't go into too much, but it's a therapy center that works with emotionally troubled kids in their own environments-school, home, recreation, you name it.
I am also scheduled next week for my very first Research Assistant shift at the Harvey Sleep and Psychological Disorders Lab on UC Berkeley campus, a volunteer position I mention in my second or third post.
Just the perfect little blossom of good stuff to "turn that frown upside down" and help me feel once again that progress is underway. My horoscope today (which I swear I can't avoid because it's dead center of my google home page :-P) says,
"You may feel conflicted today because your goals don't seem practical enough. You have a strong desire to increase the amount of meaning in your life now, but the options to do this are not necessarily supported by your current job. Unfortunately, you cannot just walk away, for you have financial obligations that must be met. Don't get discouraged if you have to continue on your present path for a while longer; your time for change will come."
I don't need a horoscope to tell me that! But yeah, it is encouraging.
Monday, June 1, 2009
My favorite ways to stay motivated
YES. This week IS better. Don't know how, but I must have gotten sick of the pouty face I had going on for the last two weeks. It just doesn't match the clothes I have that are still clean. That and maybe the pint of ice cream I had last night wasn't sitting right. Well, that being said, I'd like to tell you all the many ways one might maintain motivation and productivity. And by "one," I basically mean myself, but if it works for you too, great!
1. Work on work that is actually for the company you work for. Funny how that isn't a given.
2. Eat oatmeal for breakfast. With brown sugar and raisins. And drink some English breakfast tea. Two cups.
3. If writing a cover letter, let friends read it and give you their opinions. This not only let's you be social while "working," it also eases the pressure of applying to said job when at least one other person thinks your letter doesn't suck.
4. Drink lots of water. You NEED it. In the least, it gives an excuse to get up off your butt to go to the bathroom a lot, which means more time walking around and less time working on the butt shaped indent in your office chair.
5. Smell the flowers. I'm dead serious. The jasmine on my street is INCREDIBLE. Ahhhh... Oh yeah, and identify the mourning dove whose call you keep hearing. And hug a tree. :-P And pet a cat.
6. Exercise, even if you don't want to. This is a tough one some days.
7. Talk to your mom. Or someone you love. I just so happened to talk to my mom today, who very kindly put some books on hold for me at The Bookman. And there's number 8.
8. Read. Which I am about to do!
9. Talk to your friends and family about what motivates you.
Okay, this may just be what I did today. But it was a pretty good day, so it must be all these things, right?? I forgot the most important thing though:
10. Love yourself, even when you aren't motivated. Love yourself for being unmotivated sometimes. I think that's how we take a break from life to actually live and reflect.
1. Work on work that is actually for the company you work for. Funny how that isn't a given.
2. Eat oatmeal for breakfast. With brown sugar and raisins. And drink some English breakfast tea. Two cups.
3. If writing a cover letter, let friends read it and give you their opinions. This not only let's you be social while "working," it also eases the pressure of applying to said job when at least one other person thinks your letter doesn't suck.
4. Drink lots of water. You NEED it. In the least, it gives an excuse to get up off your butt to go to the bathroom a lot, which means more time walking around and less time working on the butt shaped indent in your office chair.
5. Smell the flowers. I'm dead serious. The jasmine on my street is INCREDIBLE. Ahhhh... Oh yeah, and identify the mourning dove whose call you keep hearing. And hug a tree. :-P And pet a cat.
6. Exercise, even if you don't want to. This is a tough one some days.
7. Talk to your mom. Or someone you love. I just so happened to talk to my mom today, who very kindly put some books on hold for me at The Bookman. And there's number 8.
8. Read. Which I am about to do!
9. Talk to your friends and family about what motivates you.
Okay, this may just be what I did today. But it was a pretty good day, so it must be all these things, right?? I forgot the most important thing though:
10. Love yourself, even when you aren't motivated. Love yourself for being unmotivated sometimes. I think that's how we take a break from life to actually live and reflect.
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