Spring fun in the sun

My friend in New York can attest to the importance of sun. He feels it during the winter when it snows for days and 20 minutes of sun brings the whole neighborhood outdoors to walk the dog, grocery shop or just shoot the shit at the corner bodega. Perhaps that is why my winter New York trip was not as enjoyable as the hot humid and sunny July trip. He says he feels like his body gulps up every bit of sun it can, when it is out of course, to make up for long days of clouds and snow.

He must think we're spoiled out here in the Bay Area right now, what with our days and days of sun, spoiled only by a few days and nights of pouring rain. As soon as the good weather started showing its face, I started going down to Cesar Chavez Park by the Berkeley Marina for a good walk in the sun and a gorgeous view of the bay nearly every day. Many of you know already that I've been driving around an advertising car and the parking lot there seems perfect for some face time. It turns out the park is perfect for me to get some face time, too, but with sunshine!

Being in the sun, but I think more specifically being out in the park, walking the mellow hills and gazing out across the bay, has really lifted my spirits. I'm somewhat slow at times with thinking through options and deciding which direction to head next in life, and the walks have helped me take the time to focus on these moments. A few of my next steps include finding a job since unemployment is probably up in July (I have a few leads and am crossing fingers), taking the GRE again to attempt more impressive scores (I think completely doable as I didn't study much last time and still received average), and trying to utilize my extra time as best I can. I think the new school plan may be to apply next year to school psychology programs next year. My passion for helping direct students may be better used in research or as a school psychologist.

I'm looking forward for more great weather, but a rainy day inside here and there isn't so bad either. It's a good excuse to get a lot of reading done.

Driving in spirals

I've been told I run hot and cold, though, I doubt I need to be told this. I feel it. I feel the two extremes as I transition between them, though there is not even much of a transition. Just giant steps from one to the other. I have known for awhile that I periodically experience intense sadness and can't help but get caught in the downward spiral. Others can probably tell you that they end up feeling the affects of these experiences, too. I call them depressive episodes, though they are not clinically diagnosed. I have experienced enough of these at this point that I have learned to not be fatalistic about my heavy state. The cloud will lift again and I will experience an incredible new-found sense of purpose and industry. My awareness of my emotional states lead me to question whether I am not addicted to specific strong emotions that I strategize my behavior to produce them.

Introspection aside, there are possibly a lot of interesting stories to share, but I may save them for later. Mostly weighing on my mind is grad school. The one school I really want to go to did not accept me and after thinking about it some more, I realized I don't want to go to either of the other two. This realization led me to think about why I only wanted to go to Western, which turns out to probably be the location. I think I have lost steam on what I want to study, though partly because I have picked up a part time job and have been committing more of my time to that. A year ago, I was so certain, but now I have grown tired and weary of my progress. I still will study Psychology in some form, but for now I may have to focus on acquiring some income to pay off loans and bills. Next year I plan to try again, perhaps to study School or Educational Psych. Purpose and industry continue to dart around the corners out of sight.

Also, an announcement: If anyone in the Bay Area needs to run some errands with a vehicle or be driven somewhere during the week, I can help out. 714-595-1024

I am les sad

There isn't much more to say. I suppose I can think of reasons, but they just all mingle together and I can't keep them straight. Plus, I'd like to be sad without a reason. I want to be allowed an emotion without a specific reason. Just sad is all.

Whirlwind month

As if January didn't have enough excitement, February comes bounding in with a bang. The month went by so fast, and yet, I can't believe it's only been a month! I feel like all the things I have accomplished and started doing couldn't possibly all fit into one month. That middle school writing assessment scoring session when I first asked the teachers where they needed volunteer support and that because of I'm now a teacher's assistant in a middle school ELD class? Yeah, that was still in January, along with asking the Berkeley School Volunteers coordinator about volunteering in the counseling center at Berkeley High, emailing the counselor, not getting a response, walking in to see her, and immediately establishing the times I am to come in every week. And did I really look at 9 rooms for rent in the span of one week? Yes, I did, and in the rain, too. And only one week later found a place that has accepted me. It is also hard to imagine that in one month I completed the entire process of applying to three graduate programs in school counseling, two of which I didn't decide on until a day before handing off the letter of recommendation forms (I might add that I also managed to lose one and find two more people of reference this month, too).

I'm also sitting in on a couple of the best classes I have ever taken at Cal. I was never this excited about any of my English classes, which makes me a little sad that I wasn't a Psych major after all, but I can't ignore all the really cool people I met through being an English major, too. I'm happy for how my life has gone, but I wish I had a better idea that the human mind is my passion, and not literature (no dis on lit though! I still love a good read). The Clinical Psych class I am auditing is taught by Allison Harvey whose sleep lab I work in. She is an amazing lecturer and it was really great to finally meet her this afternoon after all this time working in the lab. The other class, Psych of Personality, is taught by another person from the lab, the postdoc, who I've met a few times before and embarrassingly forgot he was a postdoc and asked if he was a GSI (graduate student instructor) for the class, to which he responded with a chuckle that no, he was teaching it!

Oh and somewhere I have found room to socialize. My friend Andy and his roommate Rachel are getting a CSA box every week of local farm fresh fruit and veggies, and I have been included in brainstorming and cooking dinners every Thursday night (and sometimes Friday, and sometimes Sunday, and the occasional Tuesday...there are a lot of vegetables) as well as writing for the new blog Andy set up. We are skeptical as to whether it will be interesting or if anyone will read it, but if you are interested, it is beyondthekale.net. He also lives over by a climbing gym that is predominately for bouldering and also has $5 Fridays for students! I've really been enjoying myself and my very own shoes should be arriving in the mail soon. There have also been a number of parties, including a late christmas party, an afternoon tea, a picnic movie night, and my friend Suzanne's dance show (woo!).

Yes, I know I basically just rattled off my calendar, but it feels like a lot has happened since I got back from New York on the 5th. A lot of things are changing in my life, and you know what? I don't feel anxious about any of them. In fact, I'm very excited to find out whether I will be moving away for grad school in August (and where to!) or if I'll be staying another year in Berkeley, tutoring and volunteering and learning so much still. I'm excited to be moving in with a few very nice people (fellow Cancers too!) and their very sweet doggies and a kitchen (no more hot plate!!). I am excited for more dinners, climbing, watching friends in various artistic endeavors and moving forward ever forward. Hurray for 2010! My friend Jesse said he felt like this would be a good year, and right now I'd have to agree.

What's that noise?

The other day when it was raining, I was listening to the rain drip various places on the outside of my house when I heard a huge commotion underneath one of the west facing windows. There is a pipe or vent of some sort there and I thought perhaps a huge amount of water dumped out from somewhere above onto it, so I left it at that. Today, while it was raining, I heard the same type of commotion and decided to check it out. A squirrel was in the rosebush! And then he plucked off a rose hip and started noshing on it. What a cutie.

He decided to finish his meal at the dinner table. Hey look over here!

January gloom with a cut-out paper sun

Hello Berkeley of twenty-ten! It's nice to meet you. I just got in from New York yesterday evening and boy was I teary-eyed to see the lights (and darkness) of the bay during descent. This really is my town. I feel a connection to it that I don't anywhere else. That could be because all my stuff is here and I have a place to be where I am cozy and can ignore things when I want to ignore them or go out and enjoy when I want to enjoy. I do miss having a cat on my lap though.

Though I've spent the last couple of weeks in melancholia, I'm grateful for a time to mellow out. I've been overanalyzing the simplest things and now that I'm writing my personal statement, all the cynicism is coming through. I'm worried my paper sounds like a train wreck where everyone died. That's sure to get me into grad school. I feel inconsistent and rambling, as though I am trying to muster up clear answers, but I don't have them, making the answers I give not really what I mean and not exactly coherent either.

Maybe I really am cynical by nature. Last year I was feeling so positive and jubilant and had so much to talk about. Now I am once again stuck in abstract-land (which by the way doesn't have nearly cool enough roller coasters) just running in circles inside my head.

I want to do more activities this year. Please, if anyone wants to go jogging, hiking, exploring, lunching, and the like, let me know. Sometimes I'm horrible at conversation, but it's still nice to have someone to do these things with.

End of days (of 2009)

Things I have learned this past year:

*Relationships are hard work. Really hard work. And I'm not always cut out for maintaining them. Though I am reveling in the fact that I am more comfortable than I have been in a long while sharing with my parents and rebuilding my relationship with them. Having different beliefs than one's parents is always difficult and letting them know that is even tougher. It's hard for me to not feel like I am disappointing people and this has been one of my greatest challenges in developing an honest and trustful connection with the people who raised me in a certain way and hoped for certain things. I am at a point where I truly feel the proudness they have for their children and have a clearer picture of them as people and not just MY parents. I think that the most honest way to connect with people is to see them as individuals and not just all the roles they have taken on throughout life and managing to experience this with my parents has been an incredibly fulfilling experience that has convinced me of the unending support I have through my family. My siblings and I have grown closer and closer throughout the years and this one in particular saw a lot of intense raw reality in expressing our joys and sorrows with each other. I am so grateful for these relationships, for sharing a history with such unique individuals. Yes, there are still many issues on this front, but I feel a sense of stability from my family for once.

Non-relative relationships have been more of a roller coaster, meeting some wonderfully beautiful people and also continuing longer term friendships (beautiful minds and essences-I think you may know who you are and thank you so much for your friendship) that have greatly expanded my perspective, but also seeing some friendships deteriorate and not knowing if I had the energy to reconstruct them or whether or not I should expend the energy to make things right. When are things ever right anyway? That's the difficult part. Becoming close to another person requires investing so much of multiple resources both concrete and intangible it is hard to determine when continuing on and sorting things out in tough times is realistic or better to leave alone. This is my biggest challenge on the friend front. I am no model friend, believe me. I admit I have hurt people I care deeply about, though it has not been intentional. I'm thinking that the same difficulty in seeing my parents as separate from all their various roles I associate them with comes into play on this level of relationships as well. Does anyone else have a difficult time in tactfully maintaining one's own mental sanity and simultaneously avoiding detriment to another's? I'm sure this is linked to my fear of disappointing people and could work on my honesty and assertiveness first to myself (imagine that! I can disappoint even myself) and then to others.

*Having a sense of direction is my saving grace this year. I feel confident in my choice and confident in the possibility of changing course eventually again after I have worked in a school for a good long while. After working as a school counselor I may continue further in school/educational psychology or move on to clinical psychology as a general therapist. I get caught up in my emotions so often, it is relieving to have a more concrete idea of what I am doing with my life.

*Part of my confidence in Psychology is based in how I can personally relate to it. The newest phase studied in lifespan human development is Emerging Adulthood, said to last between ages 18 and 25. And isn't it ironic that in this past year in which I turned 26 I felt things start to fall into place and feel more like an adult? Maybe it isn't very adult for me to boast about how I feel like one, but upon reflection I don't see such different scenarios as I do different ways I have responded to them. I metacognitize a heck of a lot and I've seen a shift between rumination and action, obsessing and progressing. I went through my fair share of depression during the earlier part of the second half of this year (did you get that?), but from previous experience I was actually able to handle it much less fatalistically than I usually have. I let myself just zone out and experience it, knowing that I would sense a change eventually, and I did. Not that it wasn't hard, because it was, I just know there are harder things out there. My life is not one of those.

My apologies for such a candid post. These thoughts are spur of the moment reflections, how I feel now about what has happened, and while I've experienced misery, frustration, and despair this year, I let myself feel them very much in full and am now experiencing joy, hopefulness, and excitement. Each year brings such a variety of the unexpected and the anticipated, each day so different, routine habit mixed with nothing you could ever predict-I have no idea just exactly how my plans for next year will turn out, so I'm hoping at least that I'm ready for anything. Thanks to you all. I love you.