Dreams evolved

What do you write about when no words will come? And how do you care for yourself when no thoughts come either and you maybe judge yourself a little for it? And what if all the thoughts that come to you, you really shouldn't or aren't prepared to share? This is my conundrum. Well, I'll just ramble for a bit.

I've been spending my days learning about the MLIS program at San Jose State. The website is extensive, with dozens of blogs and resources on topics from career development, internships, and student research to info for new students on registration, study tips, and how to succeed at doing all of this learning and collaborating with other students all online. My excitement level is rising as I learn about many different opportunities for library and information professionals, often in positions without "library" or "librarian" in the title. So, while it would be fun to be a Librarian, there's a good chance I'll end up being a "librarian" by another name. Which would still be just as sweet. I still have my dark-rimmed glasses and brightly colored cardigans.

Tucked in the back of my brain while I explore all of this is a conversation I had with my former therapist regarding the two directions my ambitions were drawn toward-becoming a therapist, or becoming a librarian. She had me sit there first with one idea, then with the other, making sure to observe what feelings arose. At the time, the passions were stirred more while I held the idea of being a therapist, how challenging yet fulfilling that felt as I attempted to experience it as realistically as possible. Yet, here I am entering school for librarianship. Because I am so ready to. And while the memory of my therapist's voice is there asking me what changed, ultimately it is myself I've had to have the conversation with. So what changed? I asked myself. I paused. I sat a lot and thought. I sat a lot and DIDN'T think. I sat with the different dreams I still have. I still dream of providing therapy or counseling. I still dream of being a librarian. In fact, I dream of both these things so much, there MUST be a way to combine them. My big conglomerate of a dream is to be in a position to distribute mental health resources and information. It'd also be nice if I could do this with other people of the same mindset, people driven by loving kindness and compassion. I still dream, oh yes, I do. My dream hasn't changed so much as my dreamS have evolved together into something even more tangible, even more realistic as I sit with the idea.

The best part is I don't have to figure it out all at once and I'm on a path that's going to teach me a lot and give me a better idea about how I can apply what I'm learning. I'm still interested in eventually getting a second masters degree in counseling. I'm still interested in checking out public school or academic libraries, as well. And the other best part is I don't have to wait for the *perfect* job to practice lovingkindness and compassion toward all beings. I don't have to go to school to learn how to be kind and patient with people, or how to offer encouragement and joy and really listen to people, or how to open up and really acknowledge another's suffering. I can start right now, where I am.