Forging new trails...and leaving the ruts behind

I complain about my job at least once every other day. It's really not a bad job, though. My office is pretty casual. We wear jeans and t-shirts, and sometimes don't change out of our clothes from the mid-day jog; we work 9-5 with sometimes an hour lunch; in fact, some of us work closer to 10-6, and it's not a problem. The work itself, though it requires good focus and attention to detail, is not difficult and I've become very reliable and efficient at what I do. I have formed long term professional relationships with people in other states and countries via email. I sometimes get to contact authors for addresses to ship their free copies to them and help track down shipments that seem to be MIA, a task that enables me to exercise my interpersonal skills. But for the most part, there is a lot of down time. So, it's not the work that kills me, it's the lack of it.

I also don't feel useful. I know I am, though. I've been rewarded a good number of times with bonuses, a promotion, and also many verbal expressions of gratitude for my contributions. I want to help, but the computer book world is not my place. I don't understand the business world and find myself in confusing corporate conflicts from time to time. It's not my language. I want to speak my language. My mother can attest to the fact that I do have a language. Though after all these years I use English to communicate instead of a gibberish known as "Kimberlese," I believe it is still my unique language. I've been trying to be understood for many years in these worlds that just don't speak it. No wonder I've been full of aggression and frustration. Even my love of books was not enough to be an English Major. I needed to speak a different language-one that I clearly wasn't comfortable with.

After months of complaining about my job, and then being rewarded for it, I've made a huge and possibly the most important decision to date regarding the direction my life will go. I'm going back to school to study Psychology. I'm going to learn in my language and I'm going to express what I learn in my language. My focus right now is to become a school guidance counselor, but there are many other paths I'm sure will open up along the way.

My biggest fear about entering the field of Psychology is that I have no experience, no background except an Intro to Psych class at community college. I've imagined jumping into deep and dark water with choppy waves, and oh, did I mention I lose my glasses too? I am completely weak-limbed and blind in my made-up scenario. I don't know why I was being so stupid about it. It's pretty clear that if you know you can't swim, then you should probably start in the kiddie pool. But that's just me. I like things to happen fast, almost instantaneously. When my mom began piano lessons, I used to work with her books and teach myself, but I sucked and I abandoned it for the most part. Mom said that it required a lot of practice, commitment, and most importantly patience, which I was always in need of. "But I want to be good right away! I want to be a virtuoso! If I'm not at piano, I'll go find what I am a virtuoso at." There's only one thing I'm naturally adept at: being impatient.

So off to the kiddie pool I go. But let me tell you, there are a lot of fun activities going on there! Way more fun, I think, than being scared out of my mind, flailing my arms and legs in the deep end where I can't see shit. Since I made my decision, I have taken two Psych courses-Lifespan Human Development and Social Psychology-at Berkeley City College with another one planned for this Fall-Psychology of Childhood. I've researched graduate programs up the wazoo and even created a spreadsheet for them! I've registered for the Graduate Record Examination and am taking it in September; I've been studying vocab nearly every day. A friend who works in the neuroscience department at UC Berkeley put me in touch with a new professor who in turn put me in touch with the Sleep and Psychological Disorders Lab where I have an interview for a Research Assistant position. Another friend who is graduating in Psych from Cal this May put me in touch with the Director of Student Services in the Psych department and we are meeting next Wednesday over coffee so we can discuss my options, opportunities, and also what else I can be doing to increase my experience and knowledge. I'm attending a New Volunteer Orientation for the Berkeley School District in June and will choose a Fall program to offer my services to. And though it doesn't have anything to do directly with eventually applying and entering a grad program, I have taken up running again, realizing it promotes my mental health as well as physical. I take the motivation I develop on a run and apply it to the rest of my activities.

Though it is mostly a lot of networking, I feel just this amount of progress will be the catalyst to me entering a world that makes immense sense, and I'm brimming with excitement to share the news with people.